Cowards.

That's what we are.

Friday night I went out with a new friend of mine. I had a latte and a strawberry daiquiri. I left the café/bar around 1 am, to go home. Going home I passed by a whole lot of intoxicated people, just dangling around the streets. Yes, I may have judged a little bit. So I decided I was gonna go home and write a long blog entry about how sad our generation is. I was going to write about the two teenage girls I saw at the metro station, they were changing out of their hoodies into something that resembled a top more than it did a dress, but they wore them as dresses. They were both showing way more skin than I would ever be comfortable with, smoking cigarettes and their eyes had kind of a glazed over stare too them; they had been drinking.

I was going to write about how sad it is, that young teenage girls feel the need to expose themselves in that way, in order to get the attention they so long for. I was going to write something about the lost generation. About my inability to understand the reasoning behind it.

Then today I helped out at church. There was this event. An outreach to the community if you will. A group of people went out on the streets to talk to people and invite them to come to dinner and worship. Myself? I was in the kitchen cooking the food with 3 other ladies (by ladies I mean young women, they are all younger than me.) I didn't really know what to expect from this evening, and as the people from the street started filling in, I didn't know what to do with myself. They were mainly alcoholics, homeless people, junkies or in other ways the lower social class.

I see this demographic all the time, and what do I do? I cast judgement on them. I automatically assume that they are bad people, that they only care about themselves. As it turns out, this wasn't the truth. Not even remotely close.

A lot of them only stayed for the food, which is totally fine, but a bunch of them stayed to worship with us too. Towards the end of the service we were having communion. Everyone made the trip up the 3 steps to receive communion, without even blinking. And as I was kneeling by the alter, one of the drunk women came up to the ushers that were handing out communion, 'Excuse me', she whispered loudly, 'My friend in the wheelchair wants communion too, but he can't come up here because of the steps, can you please go down to him?' the ushers answered politely, that of course they would, and she replied with a big smile and gratitude saturating every word 'Thank you, thank you so much.' I can't tell you why, but as I was kneeling there by the alter, I was deeply touched by her. Which brings me to my next point, we are cowards. We care way too much about our appearance and making us selves look good, that we don't look to the best interest of our neighbor.

It was such a joy to be worshipping with these people that just didn't care. They weren't too worried about how they looked to dance around, or sing their lounges out or ask for communion for a friend. I liked that.

What can I take with me from this? I need to care less about how I look and more about other people. I need to be less absorbed in myself and more absorbed in God. Constantly learning, growing and exploring my relationship with him. Desperately seeking God, with an eagerness that isn't stopped by self image, or worries about pit stains (yes, this is a real concern of mine, sometimes when I am about to raise my hands in worship.)

I want to completely and wholly give up my life, so God can take over. Yup, there you have it; Less me, more God.

May 27th

Blogging is hard, I'm not very good at doing it consistently. Next month I have a new challenge; Finish a project a day. It shall be most interesting. I will also have a real blog entry soon, saturated with thoughts and feelings, I'm thinking probably tomorrow. Enjoy!

Vacation.

Destination: Budapest, Hungary.

Duration: 3 nights.

Purpose: Relax, explore and enjoy some time off.

Expectations: No obligations, no requirements, only good times and hopefully sunshine.

Traveltime: 6 hours 35 minutes.

Time to departure: 57 minutes.

Level of readiness: 79%

Family.

It is one of my favorite things. In the world. And there is an owl hooting outside my window.

Selfishness

You know that voice, that sometimes creeps in to your head, and tells you to do something, because that is what would be best for you? Ignore it. Now, do the opposite.

This might sound like a rash decision to make, but I think for the most part, it wouldn't be that bad. Take this example; you are getting off the bus, the voice tells you to just hurry out in front of the other passengers to get off first, so you can get going with your day, so you jump out in front of the guy with the walker.

Stop. Rewind. Play.

You are getting off the bus, the voice tells you to hurry out in front of the other passengers, you tell the voice to shut it, and wait for the guy with the walker to get out, and you leave the bus right after him.

But what difference does it make really? The more good you do, the more good you want to do, and the easier it gets.

So let's kick selfishness' butt, and do not what is best for us, but what benefit others as well.

Today...

...someone stole my phone. More to come later.

Music.

Some people say love makes the world go 'round. I say music does that. Make the world go 'round. Music is like a big warm hug for the soul. We all like it. We all enjoy it. We may have different preferences as to which genre speaks to us, but what it all comes down to, it affects us, entertains us, sustains us.

I listen to music all the time. I like to discover new music. I like it when someone reveals an artist to me that I never knew before. I love to introduce someone else to my favorite artists and pieces of music. I love how music can set the mood. I will listen to a happy song, and instantly feel happy. I will listen to a melancholic song, and within the first few notes, melancholy will invade my mind.

I like it that way. But it also scares me a little. If music can have this kind of power over me. How much more am I ruled by my own instinctive emotions and feelings. Yikes. I'm not even sure I want to know. But then again, I kinda already do.

May 14th

Life is like one big birthday party. A continuous parade of gifts entering our lives, in the form of people, experiences and opportunities.

Sometimes we get an ugly home knit sweater that wasn't exactly what we wanted, but when the furnace dies and it is freezing cold, we can't help but wear it anyway. Sometimes we get just what we want, and it is great, up until the point that we realize that we never really needed it. Some times some one you didn't expect shows up at your door, and sometimes the one person you were expecting never shows.

Some people are really good at throwing a party, others feel hopelessly inadequate when it comes to party planning. There are always parts of the party that aren't the most fun, but in the end the parts that are fun, good and entertaining, make up for the ones that aren't all that great.

I don't know what I am trying to say, but if you think you got it. Leave me a comment, let me hear from you.

Blogging is interesting. It is thinking out loud, on a piece of paper, or more accurately a computer keyboard. It is like journaling, for the world. Why do we do it?

To feel important maybe? To feel like what we have to say matter. If it's on the web, it's real right?

I'm not sure why I do it. But it's an interesting process. I must say though, photo blogging is more my thing.

People.

As this night comes to an end I am feeling content. Why? Because I have come to realize something. I was thinking about what means something to me, what makes me happy, and it is simple really. Mindblowingly (if that's a word, my computer says it isn't, but I don't care!) simple. People make me happy. Friendships. Acquaintanceships. Relations between other people and me. That is really what life is all about. Meeting people and being there with them in the moment, for the moment, at the moment. You know what I mean, you feel it too. That is life at it's very best. Having people in your life that you can love on and who loves you back. Wether that be through a smile, a hug, a cup of coffee or a Facebook wall post. It as all a sign of love. The love that we can only find the purest example of in the fellowship with one other person. You know who I'm talking about.

21st entry.

This is my 21st entry since I started this blog back in 2008. Back then I though of it as a place to collect my thoughts and such. Now it's somewhere I go to just write or process. Or neither. Or maybe both.

This being my 21st post, means that I now officially have the same amount of blog entries on my craft blog (www.camillaseamstosew.blogspot.com) and this other blog thing, that I don't know what to classify as.

A couple of months ago, I started stumbling. Not in the common sense of the word, that means almost falling. But in the sense that I joined the StumbleUpon network. A website with the purpose of wasting time. But I do find a lot of good things; cool photos, DIY tutorials, craft ideas, funny quotes and all kinds of funny random things. Today I stumbled upon a set of rules. I know, rules are usually super lame, but not these ones. They are called 'A codified set of the builder's, crafter's, maker's rules' I will just highlight a few of the ones I really liked.

#3 The effort itself is the reward. Yes, I did spend three days on a device to save me ten minutes. You are missing the point of the process.

#5 Miscellaneous parts are life. I'm keeping that because I will need it someday. Last time I threw something out, I needed it the very next day.

#7 Projects are stackable. It's not that I am starting something new before finishing something old - I'm nesting the new project inside the old.

The entire list will now be up on my wall for everyone and myself to see, because it is so full of truth. Can't you tell?

Perfection.

Okay, so I am going to continue where yesterday left off. Heartbreak. I have written about this subject before, and I guess you can say it is because this subject is close to my heart. I have experienced heartbreak more times than I want to count. I have known people who have gotten their heart broken and broken the heart of another person. I have broken my own, and someone else's heart at the same time. Trust me, when it comes to heartbreak, I know a thing or two.

I have tried everything I could to keep myself safe from it. I built walls around my heart, and made sure not to let anyone in too far. But the problem with that is, it doesn't work. If you want to experience love, you simply must let people into your heart, and I do want that. I have wanted that and I still do. The hardest thing for me is believing that someone will actually love me for me. With all that I am and all that I fail to be. So I try to take it slow, one step at a time, only letting them see part of me and part of who I am. Struggling with a constant fear, am I too much or maybe not quite enough? But like I said. It doesn't work. People say that love is blind. And I think that is true. I tend to fall head over heals, forgetting to think in the process and get lost in the beautiful mess of emotions. I am an emotional whore. I fall too quickly, and I let go of all my rules and ideals, all the guidelines it set for myself, to keep my heart safe. I give out my emotions, without thinking about the consequence. I feel too much, and I don't think enough.

And now to the happy ending of this blog. You know what, I'll get back to you on that one, in a few years when I am happily married and have actually found the guy that can and will love me, not because of me but in spite of me. Not because he is blinded by love, but because he can see through all of the insecurity and pretense. See who I really am, even when I am trying to be better. Someone who will look at me and see the woman God created me to be and help be strive to be her. Someone who will lift me up when I am feeling down and help me let go of my anger towards myself, the world or anything that might upset me. That one guy that looks at me with all my flaws and sees perfection. Not because I am perfect, but because he chooses to love me even when I am not.

Mother's Day.

Today is May 8th 2011. It also happens to be Mother's day, both in Denmark and in the US, but I suspect that this is not always the case. Then again, I might be wrong. Is it international? I know Father's day isn't, because here in Denmark it is always on June 5th which is also the anniversary of when our constitution was signed. I never understood why they put those two together.

When I was growing up, we would always forget mothers day, and since the stores weren't open on sundays, we would have to either go to the nearest gas station, or more likely have our Dad take us, or we would have to make something random out of nothing. Then for Father's day, we would remember 1) because we had just been reminded that this kind of holiday existed, 2) our mom would always remind us to get or make something.

I think it is a neat Holiday, because mothers need to be reminded how important and special they are, but mostly I think all the sons and daughters need to remember and acknowledge how lucky and blessed they are to have a loving mother. I have known more than one person who lost their mother way too early, and I tell you if there is one thing they can never tell you often enough, it is to remember to tell her how important and special she is, because you never know when you will get the chance to tell her again, if at all.

I dream of becoming a mother one day. Not for the flowers, chocolates or recognition this one day in May. But for the opportunity of loving someone passionately and abundantly. To form a unique bond that only exists between a Mom and her daughter or a Mom and her son. I have witnessed several pregnancies, and I want to try that to. I want to feel what it is like to have your body taken over by another person growing inside of you. Not right now. But someday... Yes, surely some day. I want to teach them all the things my parents taught me; how to ride a bike, tie my shoelace, use a knife and a fork etc. But I also want to teach them all the silly stuff like my Mom taught me; to dye my lips blue with M&M's or make faux teeth out of an orange peel. I want to teach my daughters how to sew and my boys too. I want to watch them grow and grow, and form their personalities, from crib and till I die. Hopefully after a long fulfilling life, full of love. Love for my husband, my kids and God. What is a life without love? It is a life half lived.

So there you have it, I want to get married and have babies and a house, with a craft room where I can work on all my projects and my kids can come and make whatever they want. I won't ever yell at them for being messy, because I know it is often times part of a creative process. But when the process is over, I'll be there to help clean up the mess, weather that be in their room or in their hearts. One thing I am sure of, I don't want to deal with any more heartbreak of my own.

Sleep

Last night I fell asleep on the couch at 10.20 pm. For those of you who know me, you also know that this is a rare occurrence. This is also why this blog post is so late.

Yesterday was my final day of work (this week) and I guess I had been keeping myself a little busy. With a 43 hour week, compared to my usual 33 hours, I guess you can say I spent a little too much time at work this week. FYI a normal full time position in Denmark is 37 hours. But who cares with co-workers that are so great and when there is lots to do? I sure don't mind.

I just woke up at 7 am, after 9 hours of sleeping on the couch and it hurt when I took a breath. This happens to me on a regular basis, the breathing thing. I usually say it's whenever I sleep too much, but I think this time it had more to do with the hard couch and being curled up into a ball, than the amount of sleep, even though 9 hours is a whopping 50% more than I get on an average night.

I want to get something out of my day though, so going back to sleep seems pointless. However, I am also still tired, so this is a battle that will unfold between my mind and my body. Who shall win? This I cannot answer I'll let you know in my next post.

Cinco de Mayo and our liberation day!

Today is may 5th. That means all kinds of things in all different kinds of places. Some people may be celebrating Cinco de Mayo (I don't actually know the story behind this celebration or what happens when celebrating...?) For me and the 5.5 million other Danes it means that it has been exactly 66 years since we were liberated from the German oppressors. How do we celebrate this you ask? Well, not very loudly actually. We as a nation put flags on our busses, like we do on all other memorable days, such as our Queen's birthday, or when any one in her family have their birthday for that matter. Some people may put candle lights in their windows once it's dark. Why you ask? Well, back in the early 1940's there was a little something called WWII, during which Germany oppressed Denmark, forcing us to stay indoors after 8 pm and shutting our blinds as well. So as a symbol of the liberation from the Germans and the freedom that followed, we put candle lights in our windows, to remember and to remind ourselves of what it was like.

Sorry I didn't mean for this to turn into a history lesson.

Initially I was going to write something about a completely unrelated subject. I was riding my bike today on my way home from work. I use these small bike paths that take me through residential areas, and I usually go at a pretty good speed. Anyway, I passed this group of young guys that were just standing around (one of them had a Vespa) and I thought to myself, 'They look like they are up to no good', not like gonna destroy things and beat people up or anything like that, just like they wanted to bug the crap out of someone, and as I passed them I half expected them to comment on my fast riding (this has happened before!) Or maybe they would spit on me, I saw spit on the ground (maybe I really wasn't going all that fast). The point of the story is, I saw these guys and expected them to be trouble, so I prepared myself for the worst and I started thinking, 'So if they do spit on me, how will I react?' I want to say that I would stop and tell them that it's disrespectful and unacceptable, an not let them off the hook till they apologize. But then again, would I really? Part of me thinks I would, but the other part is not so convinced, I would probably just keep driving, and go home and write about it on my blog. But I like to think I would stand up for myself. Hopefully, I'll never have to find out.

Today I worked an 11 hour shift. This means I am tired and I am getting up in 5 hours. Good night World! I have nothing left to say....

...at least not today.

Writer's Block

It's day three of this whole daily blog thing, I am starting to realize that it is a much harder task than I anticipated, when I first started off this journey. I am on day three and I have a writer's block. I don't have anything to say today really. I could talk about the weather, but that's what I did yesterday, I can tell you a little bit about myself, but that's what I did the day before. So, what more is there to say?

A lot, I would think. I just don't know where to begin or what to start with. I could write pages upon pages about all the ideas I have buzzing in my brain right now. Ranging anywhere from homemade home decor I've seen tutorials for online, to maybe starting an online store selling craft supplies like fabric and ribbon and buttons, to the dress, sweatshirt and baby dress I am working on simultaneously. That's another thing I tend to do, more than one thing at a time, I usually prefer to keep a list of things to do, so I can check them off as I get done, and so I know there is always a next project, wether that be at home or at work, I like to keep busy and have something to do.

Always hoping I won't drown in the process.

I am addicted to sunshine.

Actually most people are. I think that's a fair statement to make. Today the sun was out and my mood couldn't have been better. By stride was a little more bouncy, I may have whistled once or twice and the words 'skippe-li-doo' come to mind almost instinctively. But have you ever noticed how on rainy days people are more willing to bite back at you than hold the door open? I believe we are so addicted to the sun, that whenever it doesn't come out, we start acting like addicts in rehab. We only care about ourselves and our needs. Egotistical, selfish, self centered.

How about turning the rainy days in to sunny days? Go the extra mile for one another. Because it IS raining let's hold the door for a stranger, send them a smile, let them cut in front of you in the bathroom line. Who cares? (If you happen to be pregnant and have some one inside of you constantly kicking your bladder, you are excused.)

Less ME. More everyone else.

The very first of may.

I will be writing a blog entry for everyday of May. One might call this a daily blog, that's how I will refer to it. So why a daily blog? Well, I received a challenge, and I accepted it. A good friend of mine who is a talented writer, committed to do this and invited me to join him, and I thought to myself, 'Why not?'. This will be an interesting project, process and learning experience. I like to write, I do. But it's not something I have consistently spent a lot of time doing, and never as a daily thing. So this shall be very interesting to see what happens. I will make no promises as to the subjects I'll be writing about. This will have to be determined by my mood or what I have experienced that day. Maybe it will be affected by the music I have been listening to that day, because I do in fact listen to music every day. But mostly I think it will be a place for me to rearrange my thoughts and maybe make some sense of what is all happening in there, my head that is. I also refuse to commit myself to writing a specific length every day, maybe some days all it will be is a line or two. Others might turn into short stories. As you can tell there are no rules. I like it better that way.

So, yes. Today will only be an introduction I think. Maybe over the course of the next 31 days I will have my life figured out, wouldn't that be grand? I won't get my hopes up though, since this is what I have been trying to do the past 6 months without success.

My name is Camilla. I am 24 years old. When I turned 23 I had a quarter-life crisis. I have a little bit of gray in my hair. I live with my parents for the time being. I have no idea where I want to go, or what I want to do, but I am doing what I can to figure that out. I am single. A middle child, one older and one younger sister. Born and raised in Denmark right outside of the capital, Copenhagen, but I also consider several places in the US my home. Because home is where the heart is, right? I sew, crochet, knit, paint, glue, repair, bike, rearrange my room, laugh, smile and cry.

This is me. It's who I am, it's what I do. Most of the time anyway.