What I Am Looking And Longing For. {Thoughts in progress}

Today is Saturday. I don't have to work. I didn't make plans to see anyone. Today is my day. I get to do whatever I want to do, whenever I want to do it.

I woke up at 7.45 am, after going to bed around 4am, and decided it wasn't time to get up quite yet, so I went back to sleep for a couple of hours. When I eventually got up around 10, I went to the local bakery, I don't think I've been to a real bakery in years. (Okay, maybe I have, I don't remember it.) But since it's one of my rare days off, I wanted to make it extra special. I even picked up a cup of coffee from the coffee shop. A Vanilla Latte Grande, if you must know.

The sun was shining and it was beautiful out. For once I was by foot, and not on my bike, because I had all the time in the world, really. The beauty of walking is this, you actually notice the things around you. You hear the birds chirping, enjoy the sun shining, see the couples holding hands, the baby in the stroller freaking out about something insignificant.

So as I was walking home, just enjoying the perfect weather and the beautiful concept of being alive, thoughts started to invade my mind, as they often do. I started thinking about what I am looking for in a spouse. I know this is a much talked about subject on my blog, but that's exactly the point, this is in fact my blog, so I get to choose what I write about, right?

So here is the conclusion I have reached; I am looking for someone who will hold my hand, and never let go. Someone who will pick me up when I've fallen down, or better yet; catch me, even before I fall. I good friend of mine, once wrote that when we are looking for a lover, partner, relationship, what we are essentially seeking is shelter. We look for someone who will shelter us, and someone we can provide shelter for.

I want to find that someone who will support me and keep me safe, but also someone who will trust me to be the same for him. I don't want to be the weak one all the time. We both need to be able to be the strong or the weak one at different times. Seems almost impossible. We cling desperately to our own strength, only trust ourselves with our hurt and insufficiency, disappointment and heartbreak. Because who would ever be able to love the ugly, whining, self-loathing little girl who hides in the corner of my mind? No one, I tell myself. So I hide her deeper. Fill my life with half-smiles and empty laughter. Bury myself in work, social activities and other projects. Too busy to be looking, or even to be found. Stay safe, guard my heart, keep people at bay. Too picky? Perhaps. One thing I know for a fact, it's not just a matter of finding that perfect person, it's a matter of being that perfect person for someone else, not because you want them to love you, but because you can't help but love them, even when they aren't perfect.

Oh, and I want to spend saturdays in a coffee shop, with him. Just sitting there sipping our coffee, reading a book, or a newspaper. Crocheting, cross stitching. Looking up to meet the eyes of my beloved, smiling, stuck in a place where words fall short.

Thoughts From A Bike Ride... or A Day Without Music.

I usually always have music playing. Whether it be on my stereo, my computer, ipod or even just in my head. There is always something playing. But not today.

Tonight I was hanging out with a friend of mine, that I've known for a long time (you better hold on to something sturdy) it will be 10 years in just a few days since the first time we met each other. And she is one of my favorites. That isn't what this is about. But she really is.

What I really want to talk about is the bike ride. But before I can tell you about that, I have to start somewhere else; this morning, when I left home. I live on the second floor, so I went down the stairs, down to my bike to go to work, just to realize I had forgotten my earphones. I didn't want to bother going back for them, so I left them behind. Not yet realizing how the day was going to unfold.

I got to work early, so I had time to do my hair there, instead of doing it before the bike ride, which would have been absolute ludicrous, especially on a hot day like today.

The day went by like normal. Tagging, pricing, helping out costumer etc. No music.

Then I went to my friends house, still no music. We had dinner and talked for a few hours and I left to go home kinda early, because I am getting up early tomorrow. The bike ride from her place to mine is probably 25-30 mins, and usually I would have preferred some music. But tonight I did just fine without it. The lack of sound in my head, left me with my thoughts, feelings and frustrations. Which is always a good combination. A blog entry was born.

As I was going through the city of Copenhagen, I started wondering, as I often do when left to my own thoughts, about life, relationships and what the point of it all is.

I started to think about myself. Who am I? What do I have to offer? Lately I've been looking in to my finances quite a bit, trying to figure out, where I can save money, and try to make my financial situation look a little bit brighter. The truth is this; I am terrible with money.

Another thing I am terrible with is food. Don't get me wrong I am awesome at making it, and eating it, but I'm not so very good at stopping. I eat too much, I don't exercise enough, and I could probably bear to loose 20 pounds. It seems like the more I tell myself I don't need the extra cookie, the more I want it. Same thing for anything I buy, the more I tell myself I can't afford to buy that scarf, the more I need it. I guess you could call it an obsession. And I'm sick of it. I don't want to be ruled and controlled by my own bad judgement. I want to be able to make a decision and stick to It. Even if that means passing, when the cake makes it's way around the table. Even if it means, having to give up on buying that really cool and super necessary glow in the dark water bottle, that would complete my life.

Here's to keeping promises, saving where saving is possible and leaving that last piece of cake on the plate.(
You probably don't need it.)