Call off the search.

Call off the search, dismiss the dogs.

I have found him; there is no need to look any further.

I have found the one that makes my heart skip a beat. Listens when I am sad or just can't stop talking. Takes my hand and doesn't let go. Who sees me with all my imperfections and still loves me the same.

Not because he wants me to love him, but because he can't help it. Love compels him, like it compels me.

Love beckons us to love with all that we are.

And that is exactly how I will spend my life. Loving recklessly and without thought for the consequence.

I will hope, however, that the consequence will be a long and happy life, with lots of wonderful consequences. I guess all I can do is leave it up to time (not chance) and let it all unfold before my eyes.

Substitutes.

Sometimes we substitute the words we really want to say with something else. We say darn it or shoot. Trying to convince ourselves that people don't know what we are really thinking. Why? We all know what's really going on.

But this doesn't always just happen with negative words. Sometimes it happens with good words too. Maybe we are afraid to tell some one that we think they look fantastic, so we use nice instead. We are afraid to come off too strong, so we tone it down a little.

We tell people we like them, instead of stepping it up and telling them we love them. We say we really care about them or that they are important to us, but we hold off with that little four letter word 'l-o-v-e'. Love. Why? We all know what's really going on.

We try to make sure we don't make ourselves look stupid, what if we said something to someone and they didn't return it. What if we said those three magical words, and the only response we got was a blank stare. So we wait. We wait until we think we are absolutely positive they'll respond the way we want them to. But is that really what love is? Love... always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. (1. Corinthians 13,7)

So if we really love someone, we need to tell them. And we need to tell them often. Not just whenever it seems plausible that they feel the same way. Because that's exactly it, love isn't a feeling. It's a state. A choice. An action, a conscious decision to be there for someone, even when the feelings lack. We love our families, because we do. Not because we feel love for them, but because we have a bond, that goes beyond how we feel. At least that's my definition.

This is what the dictionary says.

Definition of LOVE

1

a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt bylovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>

No matter how we define love. I love love. The end.

Time.

One week can turn your life upside down.

It all happened in a matter of seconds really. Only a few little words and my life was over. Life as I knew it, anyways. At that moment I knew that I had to start living the life I'd imagined. Worth it in every way. Renewed commitment every day. And with all the risk it entails.

entail

verb |enˈtāl| [ with obj. ]1 involve (something) as a necessary or inevitable part or consequence: a situation that entails considerable risks.
Necessary risk. I like the idea of that.commitment |kəˈmitmənt|

noun1 the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.: the company'scommitment to quality.• a pledge or undertaking: I cannot make such a commitment at the moment.2 (usu. commitments) an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action:business commitments | young people delay major commitments including marriage and children.

Words.

Words written on a page. Evenly spaced and intertwined with emotion. One name starts off the letter, another name concludes it.

Valuable. Valued. Value.

This single sheet has been read and reread. And it still holds the same magical power.

Hope. Just a small piece of it, and I will hold on to that, even if I have to cling desperately to it.

No title needed.

I've been wanting to blog for a while, but as it often happens, whenever I have something to write about I don't have the time to write a blog. So now that I have the time I'll try to sum up some of the things I have been thinking and wondering about. This one won't be as much about relationships as most of my previous entries have been, at least I don't intend it to be, but we will see.

I've made a decision, get rid of the fakeness and practice brutal honesty. I want more God in my life, no, I need more God in my life. If I am a Christian, and I am, God calls for all of me, not just the time or parts of my life I can spare or to share him when I feel like sharing him with others. This is a lifelong calling to be serving him at all times.

Sometimes I break down, most of the time I fail this calling, but God loves me the same no matter what. It's called grace and it is unfathomable. I can't lose salvation. Because God won't have it. He equips me to persevere and endure even when I think I can't do it anymore, he picks me up and gives me new strength. Why am I writing this? Because I don't get it. I can't understand it. I need to hear this. Repeated. Often. Maybe if I keep saying or writing this truth, then suddenly it will make sense. Or maybe it won't ever make sense.

I want the following prayer to be my desperate cry out for God,

O God,
I bless thee for the happy moment
when I first saw thy law fulfilled in Christ,
wrath appeased, death destroyed, sin forgiven, my soul saved.
Ever since, Thou has been faithful to me,
daily have I proved the power of Jesus' blood,
daily have I known the strength of the Spirit.
my teacher, director, sanctifier.
I want no other rock to build upon than that I have,
desire no other hope than that of gospel truth,
need no other look than that which gazes on the cross.
Forgive me if I have tried to add anything to the one foundation,
if I have unconsciously relied upon my knowledge,
experience, deeds, and not seen them as filthy rags,
if I have attempted to complete what is perfect in Christ;
May my cry be always Only Jesus! only Jesus!
In him is freedom from condemnation,
fullness in his righteousness,
eternal vitality in his given life,
indissoluble union in fellowship with him;
In him I have all that I can hold;
enlarge me to take in more.
If I backslide,
let me like Peter weep bitterly and return to him;
If I am tempted, and have no wit,
give me strength enough to trust in him;
If I am weak,
may I faint upon his bosom of eternal love;
If in extremity,
let me feel that he can deliver me;
If driven to the verge of hope and to the pit of despair,
grant me grace to fall into his arms.
O God, hear me, do for me more than I ask, think, or dream.

(The Valley of Vision)

I've been wanting to blog lately. It just seemed I didn't know what to blog about. Well, today I do. A have a few friends who blog, and I always enjoy reading what they write. Sometimes they write serious stuff other times it's not as heavy, but most of the time it forces me to stop and think. it just so happens that all of these friends just recently posted a blog entry that relates to something that has been on my mind a lot lately. You may have already guessed it. Relationships. Trust. Significance. Realness. These seem to be the most reoccurring themes in my life. And apparently in other peoples lives too. I suppose I don't really feel like this is a blog I should write, more like one I need to write. So here it goes.

We seek and long and hunger for honesty, closeness, intimacy. Yet we refuse to let those three words define the life we live. Or even the relationships we take part in. We keep it fast paced and fluky, always ready to go where the wind might take us. We often proclaim with big words, how we wish people would be more vulnerable and get rid of the facades, while at the same time building walls around our own heart, keeping it safe. We hide behind I'm-doing -greats and fake smiles, and hope people don't see us for what we really and truly are; needy. That's right. We need something. What is it we need? We need to know we are valued, loved, appreciated, irreplaceable. We want to be someone's everything. But somehow we never try to be everything for someone.

We hide behind keyboards and fancy words, instead of getting together for a cup of real live conversation. The kind that makes you want to laugh and cry all at the same time, because it is so fulfilling and convicting at the same time. The kind of conversation that doesn't run dry, but keeps you up all night, because you know that this is real, right now in this moment, and if you try to continue it tomorrow the moment will have passed and it will be lost forever.

We tell ourselves that life is such a ride, a complicated, yet beautiful mess. And we tell ourselves that we are okay with it, or that we are trying to be. Truth be told, most of the time I don't like the mess. I get through it, yes, but I don't enjoy it.

I have watched the movie 'Love and Other Drugs' twice by now, and there is one line that just grabs on to my heart at squeezes tight until I give in and warm, salty tears flow down my cheeks.

'I'm always gonna need you more than you are gonna need me.'

What is it about this line that I have no immune system against what so ever? I guess it just resonates with every fear I have for my future relationship, being the dependent one. Being the needy one. Being too much or not good enough, or get this, both... At the same time. Scaring him away because I am more crazy than any normal person could ever handle. Or not being there for him when he needs it. Never seeing his weak side, because he doesn't want me to. Not finding truth, but finding comfortability and the easy way out.

This isn't done. But my thoughts won't let me finish...

A Few Steps In The Right Direction...

Today is September 2nd and I have taken a few initiatives towards a better and healthier lifestyle. This involves, more exercise, less chocolate, more God, less waste of time, more vegetables, less junk food, more saving, less spending.

The main points of this new and healthier lifestyle are these:

I have to...

...ride my bike all the way to work, and not take the train part of the way.

...start actually using the gym where I have a membership.

...stop buying chocolate and tell myself I need it.

...in the following year read the entire Bible. 4 chapters a day. Don't postpone till the last possible minute, start the day with scripture.

...take control of my own life, I am the only one who can change the things I am dissatisfied with, start today.

Join me if you want to. I dare you ;-)