No title needed.

I've been wanting to blog for a while, but as it often happens, whenever I have something to write about I don't have the time to write a blog. So now that I have the time I'll try to sum up some of the things I have been thinking and wondering about. This one won't be as much about relationships as most of my previous entries have been, at least I don't intend it to be, but we will see.

I've made a decision, get rid of the fakeness and practice brutal honesty. I want more God in my life, no, I need more God in my life. If I am a Christian, and I am, God calls for all of me, not just the time or parts of my life I can spare or to share him when I feel like sharing him with others. This is a lifelong calling to be serving him at all times.

Sometimes I break down, most of the time I fail this calling, but God loves me the same no matter what. It's called grace and it is unfathomable. I can't lose salvation. Because God won't have it. He equips me to persevere and endure even when I think I can't do it anymore, he picks me up and gives me new strength. Why am I writing this? Because I don't get it. I can't understand it. I need to hear this. Repeated. Often. Maybe if I keep saying or writing this truth, then suddenly it will make sense. Or maybe it won't ever make sense.

I want the following prayer to be my desperate cry out for God,

O God,
I bless thee for the happy moment
when I first saw thy law fulfilled in Christ,
wrath appeased, death destroyed, sin forgiven, my soul saved.
Ever since, Thou has been faithful to me,
daily have I proved the power of Jesus' blood,
daily have I known the strength of the Spirit.
my teacher, director, sanctifier.
I want no other rock to build upon than that I have,
desire no other hope than that of gospel truth,
need no other look than that which gazes on the cross.
Forgive me if I have tried to add anything to the one foundation,
if I have unconsciously relied upon my knowledge,
experience, deeds, and not seen them as filthy rags,
if I have attempted to complete what is perfect in Christ;
May my cry be always Only Jesus! only Jesus!
In him is freedom from condemnation,
fullness in his righteousness,
eternal vitality in his given life,
indissoluble union in fellowship with him;
In him I have all that I can hold;
enlarge me to take in more.
If I backslide,
let me like Peter weep bitterly and return to him;
If I am tempted, and have no wit,
give me strength enough to trust in him;
If I am weak,
may I faint upon his bosom of eternal love;
If in extremity,
let me feel that he can deliver me;
If driven to the verge of hope and to the pit of despair,
grant me grace to fall into his arms.
O God, hear me, do for me more than I ask, think, or dream.

(The Valley of Vision)