Acts of love.

Love is a choice. I have stated this in a previous blog post, and I still believe it to be true. We decide whether or not we are going to share our love with the people we are surrounded by. Whether that be our friends, co-workers, family, boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse. We can choose to be selfish or we can choose to die to ourselves in order to serve the people we love. That is our choice.

I have been reading a wonderful book called, 'the Meaning of Marriage' by Timothy Keller (it is also written by his wife, Kathy, in part) In this book he talks about acts of love, how we can love our partner, even when we don't feel the love. Then by acting love towards them, our feelings are fueled, and we are somehow able to ‘feel’ the love again. When the feelings are lacking, we rely on our willful choice to still love them.

This also translates to our lives with God. We won’t always ‘feel’ God. We won’t always ‘feel’ like reading, but we do it as an act of love.

Because we love God, not so he will love us, but because he has already loved us. Even before we loved him.

So we choose, consciously, willfully and determinately to show Him love, even when we don’t feel it. We do this by praying, not because we have to but because we want to talk to our Creator and show him our love.

We do it by spending time in the word, not because we have to, but because we want to get to know Him more. We choose to seek him, not just when we feel like it, but even more so when we don’t feel like it, we decide to act out the love that we have for him.

And then in time, the acts of Love will (most likely) bring back those warm feelings of nearness, love, and acceptance. All the things we ‘feel’ in his presence. Feelings are a fleeting thing, we can’t trust them. They will ebb and flow, just like feelings do. But we commit to walk hand in hand with God. Good and bad. And that’s where the real magic happens. In relationship with God, and in relationship with each other.

The ultimate human example is most magically displayed in marriage. We let one other person into the inner courts and let them see all the dirty stuff. We decide to love them when we feel the warm and fuzzy stuff, they do something sweet and we can only see how good they are.

But more importantly we decide to love them when they aren’t perfect. When they fail and need to have forgiveness extended to them. This is where the closest human thing to magic happens. Two people entering a covenant, not because they expect it to me easy all the time, but because they have decided that even when it's not easy, they are still going to stick around and fight it out. A covenant relationship. Bound to succeed. An impossibility. Yet the truest reality.

Honesty vs. Vulnerability

These two words have been floating around my head all day. Last night I was talking to someone I care about a great deal, and we ended up in a conversation about honesty and vulnerability and how the two are different. This is the conclusion I reached;

Being honest, means telling the truth. When someone asks for your opinion, you share it truthfully. When someone asks for your advice, you simply tell them what you think. Honesty is easy. It doesn't ask much of you, but the simple truth.

Being vulnerable on the other hand is much harder. You can't just tell people the truth when they ask, you have to volunteer information, even when you don't want to. You have to open up completely and let people in. And the biggest difference is this, vulnerability is for the people we love. We can be vulnerable with them because we know they won't hurt us. They won't take advantage of our vulnerability. Because this is in it's purest form what love is all about. It is about letting go and letting in. Without vulnerability there can be no love, without love there can be no vulnerability.

Here is what the dictionary says;

honest |ˈänist|adjectivefree of deceit and untruthfulness; sincere: I haven't been totally honest with you.• morally correct or virtuous: I did the only right and honest thing.• [ attrib. ] fairly earned, esp. through hard work: struggling to make an honest living.• (of an action) blameless or well intentioned even if unsuccessful or misguided: he'd made an honest mistake.• [ attrib. ] simple, unpretentious, and unsophisticated: good honest food with no gimmicks.
vulnerable |ˈvəln(ə)rəbəl|adjectivesusceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm: we were in a vulnerable position |small fish are vulnerable to predators.

Call off the search.

Call off the search, dismiss the dogs.

I have found him; there is no need to look any further.

I have found the one that makes my heart skip a beat. Listens when I am sad or just can't stop talking. Takes my hand and doesn't let go. Who sees me with all my imperfections and still loves me the same.

Not because he wants me to love him, but because he can't help it. Love compels him, like it compels me.

Love beckons us to love with all that we are.

And that is exactly how I will spend my life. Loving recklessly and without thought for the consequence.

I will hope, however, that the consequence will be a long and happy life, with lots of wonderful consequences. I guess all I can do is leave it up to time (not chance) and let it all unfold before my eyes.

Substitutes.

Sometimes we substitute the words we really want to say with something else. We say darn it or shoot. Trying to convince ourselves that people don't know what we are really thinking. Why? We all know what's really going on.

But this doesn't always just happen with negative words. Sometimes it happens with good words too. Maybe we are afraid to tell some one that we think they look fantastic, so we use nice instead. We are afraid to come off too strong, so we tone it down a little.

We tell people we like them, instead of stepping it up and telling them we love them. We say we really care about them or that they are important to us, but we hold off with that little four letter word 'l-o-v-e'. Love. Why? We all know what's really going on.

We try to make sure we don't make ourselves look stupid, what if we said something to someone and they didn't return it. What if we said those three magical words, and the only response we got was a blank stare. So we wait. We wait until we think we are absolutely positive they'll respond the way we want them to. But is that really what love is? Love... always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. (1. Corinthians 13,7)

So if we really love someone, we need to tell them. And we need to tell them often. Not just whenever it seems plausible that they feel the same way. Because that's exactly it, love isn't a feeling. It's a state. A choice. An action, a conscious decision to be there for someone, even when the feelings lack. We love our families, because we do. Not because we feel love for them, but because we have a bond, that goes beyond how we feel. At least that's my definition.

This is what the dictionary says.

Definition of LOVE

1

a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt bylovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>

No matter how we define love. I love love. The end.

Time.

One week can turn your life upside down.

It all happened in a matter of seconds really. Only a few little words and my life was over. Life as I knew it, anyways. At that moment I knew that I had to start living the life I'd imagined. Worth it in every way. Renewed commitment every day. And with all the risk it entails.

entail

verb |enˈtāl| [ with obj. ]1 involve (something) as a necessary or inevitable part or consequence: a situation that entails considerable risks.
Necessary risk. I like the idea of that.commitment |kəˈmitmənt|

noun1 the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.: the company'scommitment to quality.• a pledge or undertaking: I cannot make such a commitment at the moment.2 (usu. commitments) an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action:business commitments | young people delay major commitments including marriage and children.

Words.

Words written on a page. Evenly spaced and intertwined with emotion. One name starts off the letter, another name concludes it.

Valuable. Valued. Value.

This single sheet has been read and reread. And it still holds the same magical power.

Hope. Just a small piece of it, and I will hold on to that, even if I have to cling desperately to it.

No title needed.

I've been wanting to blog for a while, but as it often happens, whenever I have something to write about I don't have the time to write a blog. So now that I have the time I'll try to sum up some of the things I have been thinking and wondering about. This one won't be as much about relationships as most of my previous entries have been, at least I don't intend it to be, but we will see.

I've made a decision, get rid of the fakeness and practice brutal honesty. I want more God in my life, no, I need more God in my life. If I am a Christian, and I am, God calls for all of me, not just the time or parts of my life I can spare or to share him when I feel like sharing him with others. This is a lifelong calling to be serving him at all times.

Sometimes I break down, most of the time I fail this calling, but God loves me the same no matter what. It's called grace and it is unfathomable. I can't lose salvation. Because God won't have it. He equips me to persevere and endure even when I think I can't do it anymore, he picks me up and gives me new strength. Why am I writing this? Because I don't get it. I can't understand it. I need to hear this. Repeated. Often. Maybe if I keep saying or writing this truth, then suddenly it will make sense. Or maybe it won't ever make sense.

I want the following prayer to be my desperate cry out for God,

O God,
I bless thee for the happy moment
when I first saw thy law fulfilled in Christ,
wrath appeased, death destroyed, sin forgiven, my soul saved.
Ever since, Thou has been faithful to me,
daily have I proved the power of Jesus' blood,
daily have I known the strength of the Spirit.
my teacher, director, sanctifier.
I want no other rock to build upon than that I have,
desire no other hope than that of gospel truth,
need no other look than that which gazes on the cross.
Forgive me if I have tried to add anything to the one foundation,
if I have unconsciously relied upon my knowledge,
experience, deeds, and not seen them as filthy rags,
if I have attempted to complete what is perfect in Christ;
May my cry be always Only Jesus! only Jesus!
In him is freedom from condemnation,
fullness in his righteousness,
eternal vitality in his given life,
indissoluble union in fellowship with him;
In him I have all that I can hold;
enlarge me to take in more.
If I backslide,
let me like Peter weep bitterly and return to him;
If I am tempted, and have no wit,
give me strength enough to trust in him;
If I am weak,
may I faint upon his bosom of eternal love;
If in extremity,
let me feel that he can deliver me;
If driven to the verge of hope and to the pit of despair,
grant me grace to fall into his arms.
O God, hear me, do for me more than I ask, think, or dream.

(The Valley of Vision)