Time.

One week can turn your life upside down.

It all happened in a matter of seconds really. Only a few little words and my life was over. Life as I knew it, anyways. At that moment I knew that I had to start living the life I'd imagined. Worth it in every way. Renewed commitment every day. And with all the risk it entails.

entail

verb |enˈtāl| [ with obj. ]1 involve (something) as a necessary or inevitable part or consequence: a situation that entails considerable risks.
Necessary risk. I like the idea of that.commitment |kəˈmitmənt|

noun1 the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.: the company'scommitment to quality.• a pledge or undertaking: I cannot make such a commitment at the moment.2 (usu. commitments) an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action:business commitments | young people delay major commitments including marriage and children.

Words.

Words written on a page. Evenly spaced and intertwined with emotion. One name starts off the letter, another name concludes it.

Valuable. Valued. Value.

This single sheet has been read and reread. And it still holds the same magical power.

Hope. Just a small piece of it, and I will hold on to that, even if I have to cling desperately to it.

No title needed.

I've been wanting to blog for a while, but as it often happens, whenever I have something to write about I don't have the time to write a blog. So now that I have the time I'll try to sum up some of the things I have been thinking and wondering about. This one won't be as much about relationships as most of my previous entries have been, at least I don't intend it to be, but we will see.

I've made a decision, get rid of the fakeness and practice brutal honesty. I want more God in my life, no, I need more God in my life. If I am a Christian, and I am, God calls for all of me, not just the time or parts of my life I can spare or to share him when I feel like sharing him with others. This is a lifelong calling to be serving him at all times.

Sometimes I break down, most of the time I fail this calling, but God loves me the same no matter what. It's called grace and it is unfathomable. I can't lose salvation. Because God won't have it. He equips me to persevere and endure even when I think I can't do it anymore, he picks me up and gives me new strength. Why am I writing this? Because I don't get it. I can't understand it. I need to hear this. Repeated. Often. Maybe if I keep saying or writing this truth, then suddenly it will make sense. Or maybe it won't ever make sense.

I want the following prayer to be my desperate cry out for God,

O God,
I bless thee for the happy moment
when I first saw thy law fulfilled in Christ,
wrath appeased, death destroyed, sin forgiven, my soul saved.
Ever since, Thou has been faithful to me,
daily have I proved the power of Jesus' blood,
daily have I known the strength of the Spirit.
my teacher, director, sanctifier.
I want no other rock to build upon than that I have,
desire no other hope than that of gospel truth,
need no other look than that which gazes on the cross.
Forgive me if I have tried to add anything to the one foundation,
if I have unconsciously relied upon my knowledge,
experience, deeds, and not seen them as filthy rags,
if I have attempted to complete what is perfect in Christ;
May my cry be always Only Jesus! only Jesus!
In him is freedom from condemnation,
fullness in his righteousness,
eternal vitality in his given life,
indissoluble union in fellowship with him;
In him I have all that I can hold;
enlarge me to take in more.
If I backslide,
let me like Peter weep bitterly and return to him;
If I am tempted, and have no wit,
give me strength enough to trust in him;
If I am weak,
may I faint upon his bosom of eternal love;
If in extremity,
let me feel that he can deliver me;
If driven to the verge of hope and to the pit of despair,
grant me grace to fall into his arms.
O God, hear me, do for me more than I ask, think, or dream.

(The Valley of Vision)

I've been wanting to blog lately. It just seemed I didn't know what to blog about. Well, today I do. A have a few friends who blog, and I always enjoy reading what they write. Sometimes they write serious stuff other times it's not as heavy, but most of the time it forces me to stop and think. it just so happens that all of these friends just recently posted a blog entry that relates to something that has been on my mind a lot lately. You may have already guessed it. Relationships. Trust. Significance. Realness. These seem to be the most reoccurring themes in my life. And apparently in other peoples lives too. I suppose I don't really feel like this is a blog I should write, more like one I need to write. So here it goes.

We seek and long and hunger for honesty, closeness, intimacy. Yet we refuse to let those three words define the life we live. Or even the relationships we take part in. We keep it fast paced and fluky, always ready to go where the wind might take us. We often proclaim with big words, how we wish people would be more vulnerable and get rid of the facades, while at the same time building walls around our own heart, keeping it safe. We hide behind I'm-doing -greats and fake smiles, and hope people don't see us for what we really and truly are; needy. That's right. We need something. What is it we need? We need to know we are valued, loved, appreciated, irreplaceable. We want to be someone's everything. But somehow we never try to be everything for someone.

We hide behind keyboards and fancy words, instead of getting together for a cup of real live conversation. The kind that makes you want to laugh and cry all at the same time, because it is so fulfilling and convicting at the same time. The kind of conversation that doesn't run dry, but keeps you up all night, because you know that this is real, right now in this moment, and if you try to continue it tomorrow the moment will have passed and it will be lost forever.

We tell ourselves that life is such a ride, a complicated, yet beautiful mess. And we tell ourselves that we are okay with it, or that we are trying to be. Truth be told, most of the time I don't like the mess. I get through it, yes, but I don't enjoy it.

I have watched the movie 'Love and Other Drugs' twice by now, and there is one line that just grabs on to my heart at squeezes tight until I give in and warm, salty tears flow down my cheeks.

'I'm always gonna need you more than you are gonna need me.'

What is it about this line that I have no immune system against what so ever? I guess it just resonates with every fear I have for my future relationship, being the dependent one. Being the needy one. Being too much or not good enough, or get this, both... At the same time. Scaring him away because I am more crazy than any normal person could ever handle. Or not being there for him when he needs it. Never seeing his weak side, because he doesn't want me to. Not finding truth, but finding comfortability and the easy way out.

This isn't done. But my thoughts won't let me finish...

A Few Steps In The Right Direction...

Today is September 2nd and I have taken a few initiatives towards a better and healthier lifestyle. This involves, more exercise, less chocolate, more God, less waste of time, more vegetables, less junk food, more saving, less spending.

The main points of this new and healthier lifestyle are these:

I have to...

...ride my bike all the way to work, and not take the train part of the way.

...start actually using the gym where I have a membership.

...stop buying chocolate and tell myself I need it.

...in the following year read the entire Bible. 4 chapters a day. Don't postpone till the last possible minute, start the day with scripture.

...take control of my own life, I am the only one who can change the things I am dissatisfied with, start today.

Join me if you want to. I dare you ;-)

What I Am Looking And Longing For. {Thoughts in progress}

Today is Saturday. I don't have to work. I didn't make plans to see anyone. Today is my day. I get to do whatever I want to do, whenever I want to do it.

I woke up at 7.45 am, after going to bed around 4am, and decided it wasn't time to get up quite yet, so I went back to sleep for a couple of hours. When I eventually got up around 10, I went to the local bakery, I don't think I've been to a real bakery in years. (Okay, maybe I have, I don't remember it.) But since it's one of my rare days off, I wanted to make it extra special. I even picked up a cup of coffee from the coffee shop. A Vanilla Latte Grande, if you must know.

The sun was shining and it was beautiful out. For once I was by foot, and not on my bike, because I had all the time in the world, really. The beauty of walking is this, you actually notice the things around you. You hear the birds chirping, enjoy the sun shining, see the couples holding hands, the baby in the stroller freaking out about something insignificant.

So as I was walking home, just enjoying the perfect weather and the beautiful concept of being alive, thoughts started to invade my mind, as they often do. I started thinking about what I am looking for in a spouse. I know this is a much talked about subject on my blog, but that's exactly the point, this is in fact my blog, so I get to choose what I write about, right?

So here is the conclusion I have reached; I am looking for someone who will hold my hand, and never let go. Someone who will pick me up when I've fallen down, or better yet; catch me, even before I fall. I good friend of mine, once wrote that when we are looking for a lover, partner, relationship, what we are essentially seeking is shelter. We look for someone who will shelter us, and someone we can provide shelter for.

I want to find that someone who will support me and keep me safe, but also someone who will trust me to be the same for him. I don't want to be the weak one all the time. We both need to be able to be the strong or the weak one at different times. Seems almost impossible. We cling desperately to our own strength, only trust ourselves with our hurt and insufficiency, disappointment and heartbreak. Because who would ever be able to love the ugly, whining, self-loathing little girl who hides in the corner of my mind? No one, I tell myself. So I hide her deeper. Fill my life with half-smiles and empty laughter. Bury myself in work, social activities and other projects. Too busy to be looking, or even to be found. Stay safe, guard my heart, keep people at bay. Too picky? Perhaps. One thing I know for a fact, it's not just a matter of finding that perfect person, it's a matter of being that perfect person for someone else, not because you want them to love you, but because you can't help but love them, even when they aren't perfect.

Oh, and I want to spend saturdays in a coffee shop, with him. Just sitting there sipping our coffee, reading a book, or a newspaper. Crocheting, cross stitching. Looking up to meet the eyes of my beloved, smiling, stuck in a place where words fall short.

Thoughts From A Bike Ride... or A Day Without Music.

I usually always have music playing. Whether it be on my stereo, my computer, ipod or even just in my head. There is always something playing. But not today.

Tonight I was hanging out with a friend of mine, that I've known for a long time (you better hold on to something sturdy) it will be 10 years in just a few days since the first time we met each other. And she is one of my favorites. That isn't what this is about. But she really is.

What I really want to talk about is the bike ride. But before I can tell you about that, I have to start somewhere else; this morning, when I left home. I live on the second floor, so I went down the stairs, down to my bike to go to work, just to realize I had forgotten my earphones. I didn't want to bother going back for them, so I left them behind. Not yet realizing how the day was going to unfold.

I got to work early, so I had time to do my hair there, instead of doing it before the bike ride, which would have been absolute ludicrous, especially on a hot day like today.

The day went by like normal. Tagging, pricing, helping out costumer etc. No music.

Then I went to my friends house, still no music. We had dinner and talked for a few hours and I left to go home kinda early, because I am getting up early tomorrow. The bike ride from her place to mine is probably 25-30 mins, and usually I would have preferred some music. But tonight I did just fine without it. The lack of sound in my head, left me with my thoughts, feelings and frustrations. Which is always a good combination. A blog entry was born.

As I was going through the city of Copenhagen, I started wondering, as I often do when left to my own thoughts, about life, relationships and what the point of it all is.

I started to think about myself. Who am I? What do I have to offer? Lately I've been looking in to my finances quite a bit, trying to figure out, where I can save money, and try to make my financial situation look a little bit brighter. The truth is this; I am terrible with money.

Another thing I am terrible with is food. Don't get me wrong I am awesome at making it, and eating it, but I'm not so very good at stopping. I eat too much, I don't exercise enough, and I could probably bear to loose 20 pounds. It seems like the more I tell myself I don't need the extra cookie, the more I want it. Same thing for anything I buy, the more I tell myself I can't afford to buy that scarf, the more I need it. I guess you could call it an obsession. And I'm sick of it. I don't want to be ruled and controlled by my own bad judgement. I want to be able to make a decision and stick to It. Even if that means passing, when the cake makes it's way around the table. Even if it means, having to give up on buying that really cool and super necessary glow in the dark water bottle, that would complete my life.

Here's to keeping promises, saving where saving is possible and leaving that last piece of cake on the plate.(
You probably don't need it.)