I just really wanted to use that as a title of a blog entry.
It is way past my bed time and I am getting up early tomorrow, my body is aching and wanting to go to sleep, but my mind doesn't want to settle down. A million thoughts are stuck somewhere between my conscious mind and some part of my brain, that I couldn't even find if I tried.
Thoughts about life about love and about marriage?! If you know me, you also know that I shouldn't even really be thinking too much about marriage, because that's not really the next thing in line for me. Maybe finding that someone to marry first would be the logical thing to do. Never the less I find myself thinking about it a lot. Maybe it's the fact that several of my friends have gotten married over the last few years. I don't know why or when it started. But what I do know is this; as I was talking to a friend of mine just the other day she used the phrasing 'If I get married...' and in my head I was going 'Whoa, whoa, whoa - IF?! What do you mean if?' and on the outside I was just smiling and listening to what she was saying. But that is when it hit me; some people never get married. It's just that simple, some people do and some don't. But here is where it get's complicated, I don't want to be one of the ones that don't. I have all these plans for my family, once I have one, and I really don't want them to go to waste.
But as I started thinking about this more, I have to admit that I got a little bit upset. Why I got upset? You might ask yourself this question. Well, here is the deal. I know some pretty fantastic girls/women/ladies (take your pick) who are still single, even though they are in their late twenties or mid forties. And I just don't understand why. But I guess they just haven't found the right one. And this is when I get scared or anxious or whatever one might call it, why should I, who is by no means any better, smarter, funnier, prettier or more interesting than any of them, be able to find the right guy if they can't? What if I am the girl who is gonna end up alone. The eternal babysitter, because I don't have my own kids, and therefore am dying to take care of someone else's kids? Would I be okay with that? Probably not! Don't get me wrong, I would love to take care of the kids of my friends and family, but to not have my own, would definitely be disappointing to me.
So why haven't I found the right guy? Well, good question. I'd like to know too. So far I've had very good luck finding the not so right guy, and I've been very busy trying to talk myself into believing that he was just what I was looking for. As it turns out, none of them were. Surprise!
So where am I at right now? On the scale of love and dating, I'd say a little below zero. Because not only am I single and nowhere near not being single (if that makes sense?!) but I'm also at a point in my life where I am scared. I am scared to put myself out there. I'm scared that I'll get hurt. Again. I'm scared that if I fall for someone, he wont love me back. I'm scared that I won't ever find the guy that's right for me.
I strongly believe that God wouldn't have created me with such a strong urge to start a family if I wasn't going to get to start one. But sometimes my doubts get the best of me, and I don't know how to stop that from happening. But I guess for now there's really only one thing I can do. And that is to trust that God will provide for me, wether that be granting me patience or letting the right guy enter my life.
But no matter what, if you do see him, can you please let me know?
PS: As it turns out, the title ended up fitting pretty well! Well what do you know...
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