I've been wanting to blog lately. It just seemed I didn't know what to blog about. Well, today I do. A have a few friends who blog, and I always enjoy reading what they write. Sometimes they write serious stuff other times it's not as heavy, but most of the time it forces me to stop and think. it just so happens that all of these friends just recently posted a blog entry that relates to something that has been on my mind a lot lately. You may have already guessed it. Relationships. Trust. Significance. Realness. These seem to be the most reoccurring themes in my life. And apparently in other peoples lives too. I suppose I don't really feel like this is a blog I should write, more like one I need to write. So here it goes.

We seek and long and hunger for honesty, closeness, intimacy. Yet we refuse to let those three words define the life we live. Or even the relationships we take part in. We keep it fast paced and fluky, always ready to go where the wind might take us. We often proclaim with big words, how we wish people would be more vulnerable and get rid of the facades, while at the same time building walls around our own heart, keeping it safe. We hide behind I'm-doing -greats and fake smiles, and hope people don't see us for what we really and truly are; needy. That's right. We need something. What is it we need? We need to know we are valued, loved, appreciated, irreplaceable. We want to be someone's everything. But somehow we never try to be everything for someone.

We hide behind keyboards and fancy words, instead of getting together for a cup of real live conversation. The kind that makes you want to laugh and cry all at the same time, because it is so fulfilling and convicting at the same time. The kind of conversation that doesn't run dry, but keeps you up all night, because you know that this is real, right now in this moment, and if you try to continue it tomorrow the moment will have passed and it will be lost forever.

We tell ourselves that life is such a ride, a complicated, yet beautiful mess. And we tell ourselves that we are okay with it, or that we are trying to be. Truth be told, most of the time I don't like the mess. I get through it, yes, but I don't enjoy it.

I have watched the movie 'Love and Other Drugs' twice by now, and there is one line that just grabs on to my heart at squeezes tight until I give in and warm, salty tears flow down my cheeks.

'I'm always gonna need you more than you are gonna need me.'

What is it about this line that I have no immune system against what so ever? I guess it just resonates with every fear I have for my future relationship, being the dependent one. Being the needy one. Being too much or not good enough, or get this, both... At the same time. Scaring him away because I am more crazy than any normal person could ever handle. Or not being there for him when he needs it. Never seeing his weak side, because he doesn't want me to. Not finding truth, but finding comfortability and the easy way out.

This isn't done. But my thoughts won't let me finish...

A Few Steps In The Right Direction...

Today is September 2nd and I have taken a few initiatives towards a better and healthier lifestyle. This involves, more exercise, less chocolate, more God, less waste of time, more vegetables, less junk food, more saving, less spending.

The main points of this new and healthier lifestyle are these:

I have to...

...ride my bike all the way to work, and not take the train part of the way.

...start actually using the gym where I have a membership.

...stop buying chocolate and tell myself I need it.

...in the following year read the entire Bible. 4 chapters a day. Don't postpone till the last possible minute, start the day with scripture.

...take control of my own life, I am the only one who can change the things I am dissatisfied with, start today.

Join me if you want to. I dare you ;-)

What I Am Looking And Longing For. {Thoughts in progress}

Today is Saturday. I don't have to work. I didn't make plans to see anyone. Today is my day. I get to do whatever I want to do, whenever I want to do it.

I woke up at 7.45 am, after going to bed around 4am, and decided it wasn't time to get up quite yet, so I went back to sleep for a couple of hours. When I eventually got up around 10, I went to the local bakery, I don't think I've been to a real bakery in years. (Okay, maybe I have, I don't remember it.) But since it's one of my rare days off, I wanted to make it extra special. I even picked up a cup of coffee from the coffee shop. A Vanilla Latte Grande, if you must know.

The sun was shining and it was beautiful out. For once I was by foot, and not on my bike, because I had all the time in the world, really. The beauty of walking is this, you actually notice the things around you. You hear the birds chirping, enjoy the sun shining, see the couples holding hands, the baby in the stroller freaking out about something insignificant.

So as I was walking home, just enjoying the perfect weather and the beautiful concept of being alive, thoughts started to invade my mind, as they often do. I started thinking about what I am looking for in a spouse. I know this is a much talked about subject on my blog, but that's exactly the point, this is in fact my blog, so I get to choose what I write about, right?

So here is the conclusion I have reached; I am looking for someone who will hold my hand, and never let go. Someone who will pick me up when I've fallen down, or better yet; catch me, even before I fall. I good friend of mine, once wrote that when we are looking for a lover, partner, relationship, what we are essentially seeking is shelter. We look for someone who will shelter us, and someone we can provide shelter for.

I want to find that someone who will support me and keep me safe, but also someone who will trust me to be the same for him. I don't want to be the weak one all the time. We both need to be able to be the strong or the weak one at different times. Seems almost impossible. We cling desperately to our own strength, only trust ourselves with our hurt and insufficiency, disappointment and heartbreak. Because who would ever be able to love the ugly, whining, self-loathing little girl who hides in the corner of my mind? No one, I tell myself. So I hide her deeper. Fill my life with half-smiles and empty laughter. Bury myself in work, social activities and other projects. Too busy to be looking, or even to be found. Stay safe, guard my heart, keep people at bay. Too picky? Perhaps. One thing I know for a fact, it's not just a matter of finding that perfect person, it's a matter of being that perfect person for someone else, not because you want them to love you, but because you can't help but love them, even when they aren't perfect.

Oh, and I want to spend saturdays in a coffee shop, with him. Just sitting there sipping our coffee, reading a book, or a newspaper. Crocheting, cross stitching. Looking up to meet the eyes of my beloved, smiling, stuck in a place where words fall short.

Thoughts From A Bike Ride... or A Day Without Music.

I usually always have music playing. Whether it be on my stereo, my computer, ipod or even just in my head. There is always something playing. But not today.

Tonight I was hanging out with a friend of mine, that I've known for a long time (you better hold on to something sturdy) it will be 10 years in just a few days since the first time we met each other. And she is one of my favorites. That isn't what this is about. But she really is.

What I really want to talk about is the bike ride. But before I can tell you about that, I have to start somewhere else; this morning, when I left home. I live on the second floor, so I went down the stairs, down to my bike to go to work, just to realize I had forgotten my earphones. I didn't want to bother going back for them, so I left them behind. Not yet realizing how the day was going to unfold.

I got to work early, so I had time to do my hair there, instead of doing it before the bike ride, which would have been absolute ludicrous, especially on a hot day like today.

The day went by like normal. Tagging, pricing, helping out costumer etc. No music.

Then I went to my friends house, still no music. We had dinner and talked for a few hours and I left to go home kinda early, because I am getting up early tomorrow. The bike ride from her place to mine is probably 25-30 mins, and usually I would have preferred some music. But tonight I did just fine without it. The lack of sound in my head, left me with my thoughts, feelings and frustrations. Which is always a good combination. A blog entry was born.

As I was going through the city of Copenhagen, I started wondering, as I often do when left to my own thoughts, about life, relationships and what the point of it all is.

I started to think about myself. Who am I? What do I have to offer? Lately I've been looking in to my finances quite a bit, trying to figure out, where I can save money, and try to make my financial situation look a little bit brighter. The truth is this; I am terrible with money.

Another thing I am terrible with is food. Don't get me wrong I am awesome at making it, and eating it, but I'm not so very good at stopping. I eat too much, I don't exercise enough, and I could probably bear to loose 20 pounds. It seems like the more I tell myself I don't need the extra cookie, the more I want it. Same thing for anything I buy, the more I tell myself I can't afford to buy that scarf, the more I need it. I guess you could call it an obsession. And I'm sick of it. I don't want to be ruled and controlled by my own bad judgement. I want to be able to make a decision and stick to It. Even if that means passing, when the cake makes it's way around the table. Even if it means, having to give up on buying that really cool and super necessary glow in the dark water bottle, that would complete my life.

Here's to keeping promises, saving where saving is possible and leaving that last piece of cake on the plate.(
You probably don't need it.)

Cowards.

That's what we are.

Friday night I went out with a new friend of mine. I had a latte and a strawberry daiquiri. I left the café/bar around 1 am, to go home. Going home I passed by a whole lot of intoxicated people, just dangling around the streets. Yes, I may have judged a little bit. So I decided I was gonna go home and write a long blog entry about how sad our generation is. I was going to write about the two teenage girls I saw at the metro station, they were changing out of their hoodies into something that resembled a top more than it did a dress, but they wore them as dresses. They were both showing way more skin than I would ever be comfortable with, smoking cigarettes and their eyes had kind of a glazed over stare too them; they had been drinking.

I was going to write about how sad it is, that young teenage girls feel the need to expose themselves in that way, in order to get the attention they so long for. I was going to write something about the lost generation. About my inability to understand the reasoning behind it.

Then today I helped out at church. There was this event. An outreach to the community if you will. A group of people went out on the streets to talk to people and invite them to come to dinner and worship. Myself? I was in the kitchen cooking the food with 3 other ladies (by ladies I mean young women, they are all younger than me.) I didn't really know what to expect from this evening, and as the people from the street started filling in, I didn't know what to do with myself. They were mainly alcoholics, homeless people, junkies or in other ways the lower social class.

I see this demographic all the time, and what do I do? I cast judgement on them. I automatically assume that they are bad people, that they only care about themselves. As it turns out, this wasn't the truth. Not even remotely close.

A lot of them only stayed for the food, which is totally fine, but a bunch of them stayed to worship with us too. Towards the end of the service we were having communion. Everyone made the trip up the 3 steps to receive communion, without even blinking. And as I was kneeling by the alter, one of the drunk women came up to the ushers that were handing out communion, 'Excuse me', she whispered loudly, 'My friend in the wheelchair wants communion too, but he can't come up here because of the steps, can you please go down to him?' the ushers answered politely, that of course they would, and she replied with a big smile and gratitude saturating every word 'Thank you, thank you so much.' I can't tell you why, but as I was kneeling there by the alter, I was deeply touched by her. Which brings me to my next point, we are cowards. We care way too much about our appearance and making us selves look good, that we don't look to the best interest of our neighbor.

It was such a joy to be worshipping with these people that just didn't care. They weren't too worried about how they looked to dance around, or sing their lounges out or ask for communion for a friend. I liked that.

What can I take with me from this? I need to care less about how I look and more about other people. I need to be less absorbed in myself and more absorbed in God. Constantly learning, growing and exploring my relationship with him. Desperately seeking God, with an eagerness that isn't stopped by self image, or worries about pit stains (yes, this is a real concern of mine, sometimes when I am about to raise my hands in worship.)

I want to completely and wholly give up my life, so God can take over. Yup, there you have it; Less me, more God.

May 27th

Blogging is hard, I'm not very good at doing it consistently. Next month I have a new challenge; Finish a project a day. It shall be most interesting. I will also have a real blog entry soon, saturated with thoughts and feelings, I'm thinking probably tomorrow. Enjoy!

Vacation.

Destination: Budapest, Hungary.

Duration: 3 nights.

Purpose: Relax, explore and enjoy some time off.

Expectations: No obligations, no requirements, only good times and hopefully sunshine.

Traveltime: 6 hours 35 minutes.

Time to departure: 57 minutes.

Level of readiness: 79%