I woke up at 7.45 am, after going to bed around 4am, and decided it wasn't time to get up quite yet, so I went back to sleep for a couple of hours. When I eventually got up around 10, I went to the local bakery, I don't think I've been to a real bakery in years. (Okay, maybe I have, I don't remember it.) But since it's one of my rare days off, I wanted to make it extra special. I even picked up a cup of coffee from the coffee shop. A Vanilla Latte Grande, if you must know.
The sun was shining and it was beautiful out. For once I was by foot, and not on my bike, because I had all the time in the world, really. The beauty of walking is this, you actually notice the things around you. You hear the birds chirping, enjoy the sun shining, see the couples holding hands, the baby in the stroller freaking out about something insignificant.
So as I was walking home, just enjoying the perfect weather and the beautiful concept of being alive, thoughts started to invade my mind, as they often do. I started thinking about what I am looking for in a spouse. I know this is a much talked about subject on my blog, but that's exactly the point, this is in fact my blog, so I get to choose what I write about, right?
So here is the conclusion I have reached; I am looking for someone who will hold my hand, and never let go. Someone who will pick me up when I've fallen down, or better yet; catch me, even before I fall. I good friend of mine, once wrote that when we are looking for a lover, partner, relationship, what we are essentially seeking is shelter. We look for someone who will shelter us, and someone we can provide shelter for.
I want to find that someone who will support me and keep me safe, but also someone who will trust me to be the same for him. I don't want to be the weak one all the time. We both need to be able to be the strong or the weak one at different times. Seems almost impossible. We cling desperately to our own strength, only trust ourselves with our hurt and insufficiency, disappointment and heartbreak. Because who would ever be able to love the ugly, whining, self-loathing little girl who hides in the corner of my mind? No one, I tell myself. So I hide her deeper. Fill my life with half-smiles and empty laughter. Bury myself in work, social activities and other projects. Too busy to be looking, or even to be found. Stay safe, guard my heart, keep people at bay. Too picky? Perhaps. One thing I know for a fact, it's not just a matter of finding that perfect person, it's a matter of being that perfect person for someone else, not because you want them to love you, but because you can't help but love them, even when they aren't perfect.
Oh, and I want to spend saturdays in a coffee shop, with him. Just sitting there sipping our coffee, reading a book, or a newspaper. Crocheting, cross stitching. Looking up to meet the eyes of my beloved, smiling, stuck in a place where words fall short.
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