I've been wanting to blog lately. It just seemed I didn't know what to blog about. Well, today I do. A have a few friends who blog, and I always enjoy reading what they write. Sometimes they write serious stuff other times it's not as heavy, but most of the time it forces me to stop and think. it just so happens that all of these friends just recently posted a blog entry that relates to something that has been on my mind a lot lately. You may have already guessed it. Relationships. Trust. Significance. Realness. These seem to be the most reoccurring themes in my life. And apparently in other peoples lives too. I suppose I don't really feel like this is a blog I should write, more like one I need to write. So here it goes.

We seek and long and hunger for honesty, closeness, intimacy. Yet we refuse to let those three words define the life we live. Or even the relationships we take part in. We keep it fast paced and fluky, always ready to go where the wind might take us. We often proclaim with big words, how we wish people would be more vulnerable and get rid of the facades, while at the same time building walls around our own heart, keeping it safe. We hide behind I'm-doing -greats and fake smiles, and hope people don't see us for what we really and truly are; needy. That's right. We need something. What is it we need? We need to know we are valued, loved, appreciated, irreplaceable. We want to be someone's everything. But somehow we never try to be everything for someone.

We hide behind keyboards and fancy words, instead of getting together for a cup of real live conversation. The kind that makes you want to laugh and cry all at the same time, because it is so fulfilling and convicting at the same time. The kind of conversation that doesn't run dry, but keeps you up all night, because you know that this is real, right now in this moment, and if you try to continue it tomorrow the moment will have passed and it will be lost forever.

We tell ourselves that life is such a ride, a complicated, yet beautiful mess. And we tell ourselves that we are okay with it, or that we are trying to be. Truth be told, most of the time I don't like the mess. I get through it, yes, but I don't enjoy it.

I have watched the movie 'Love and Other Drugs' twice by now, and there is one line that just grabs on to my heart at squeezes tight until I give in and warm, salty tears flow down my cheeks.

'I'm always gonna need you more than you are gonna need me.'

What is it about this line that I have no immune system against what so ever? I guess it just resonates with every fear I have for my future relationship, being the dependent one. Being the needy one. Being too much or not good enough, or get this, both... At the same time. Scaring him away because I am more crazy than any normal person could ever handle. Or not being there for him when he needs it. Never seeing his weak side, because he doesn't want me to. Not finding truth, but finding comfortability and the easy way out.

This isn't done. But my thoughts won't let me finish...