May 5th.

We're unstoppable.
Freedom is within reach now.
True freedom is grace.

May the 4th be with you.

Star wars nerd at side.
I will watch it some day soon.
Maybe once we're wed?

May 3rd.

Yesterday was the third day of daily blogging and I am already a day behind.

Making up for that now though.

I have realized today that I am so much more a daily photo blogger than a daily writing blogger. I like to write, don't get me wrong. But I don't like to be forced to write, even if I am the one forcing myself. I like to write when I have something to write about, either because I know what I want to write about or because my heart does.

Today I am forcing myself. And sometimes that is necessary too. So there. I blog. I like it. I live it.

Stay tuned.

May 2nd

Long hours working inside, on a sunny day.
At least summer is on it's way.

The very first of May version 2.0

Last year in may I committed to writing a blog post for each day of May. This year I am repeating that. This first post is going to be a post of retrospection and looking back over the year that has since passed. Identify the changes and constants. I mean how much can really change in a year? If you take me as an example, a whole lot can change.


The general overall theme of last years month of daily blogging was life and love, relationships and friendships. I asked a lot of questions and wondered about a lot of things. A lot of those questions now have been answered, but in the aftermath of the answers new questions are brought to life. A year ago I was single, now I am about to marry my dearest of friends.


He is lovely.


I have actually found the guy that can and will love me, not because of me but in spite of me. Not because he is blinded by love, but because he can see through all of the insecurity and pretense. See who I really am, even when I am trying to be better. Someone who looks at me and sees the woman God created me to be and helps be strive to be her. Someone who lifts me up when I am feeling down and helps me let go of my anger towards myself, the world or anything that might upset me. That one guy that looks at me with all my flaws and sees perfection. Not because I am perfect, but because he chooses to love me even when I am not. 
(Excerpt from my blog post 'Perfection' posted on May 9th 2011, past tense verbs have been exchanged with present tense verbs)


He is that guy. He makes my heart skip a beat. He listens to my heart. He comforts me and lets me comfort him. He cares for me and prays for me. He talks to me for hours and hours and never gets tired of my flow of heart. Because that is really what it is, an exchange of hearts. He prays with me, and learns with me. He picks me up, when I think I can't walk anymore. He is a man of God, walks faithfully with him and inspires me to do the same. Unchangeable, unconditional and eternal is his love for me.
O, how blessed I am.


We sin and we fail and we fall, but by the grace of God we get back up, we repent and receive forgiveness. He has been most good to us, and we will continue to run to him, with everything.


Two people, broken but trying; humbly pursuing. Stuck in a place where words fall short.

Acts of love.

Love is a choice. I have stated this in a previous blog post, and I still believe it to be true. We decide whether or not we are going to share our love with the people we are surrounded by. Whether that be our friends, co-workers, family, boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse. We can choose to be selfish or we can choose to die to ourselves in order to serve the people we love. That is our choice.

I have been reading a wonderful book called, 'the Meaning of Marriage' by Timothy Keller (it is also written by his wife, Kathy, in part) In this book he talks about acts of love, how we can love our partner, even when we don't feel the love. Then by acting love towards them, our feelings are fueled, and we are somehow able to ‘feel’ the love again. When the feelings are lacking, we rely on our willful choice to still love them.

This also translates to our lives with God. We won’t always ‘feel’ God. We won’t always ‘feel’ like reading, but we do it as an act of love.

Because we love God, not so he will love us, but because he has already loved us. Even before we loved him.

So we choose, consciously, willfully and determinately to show Him love, even when we don’t feel it. We do this by praying, not because we have to but because we want to talk to our Creator and show him our love.

We do it by spending time in the word, not because we have to, but because we want to get to know Him more. We choose to seek him, not just when we feel like it, but even more so when we don’t feel like it, we decide to act out the love that we have for him.

And then in time, the acts of Love will (most likely) bring back those warm feelings of nearness, love, and acceptance. All the things we ‘feel’ in his presence. Feelings are a fleeting thing, we can’t trust them. They will ebb and flow, just like feelings do. But we commit to walk hand in hand with God. Good and bad. And that’s where the real magic happens. In relationship with God, and in relationship with each other.

The ultimate human example is most magically displayed in marriage. We let one other person into the inner courts and let them see all the dirty stuff. We decide to love them when we feel the warm and fuzzy stuff, they do something sweet and we can only see how good they are.

But more importantly we decide to love them when they aren’t perfect. When they fail and need to have forgiveness extended to them. This is where the closest human thing to magic happens. Two people entering a covenant, not because they expect it to me easy all the time, but because they have decided that even when it's not easy, they are still going to stick around and fight it out. A covenant relationship. Bound to succeed. An impossibility. Yet the truest reality.

Honesty vs. Vulnerability

These two words have been floating around my head all day. Last night I was talking to someone I care about a great deal, and we ended up in a conversation about honesty and vulnerability and how the two are different. This is the conclusion I reached;

Being honest, means telling the truth. When someone asks for your opinion, you share it truthfully. When someone asks for your advice, you simply tell them what you think. Honesty is easy. It doesn't ask much of you, but the simple truth.

Being vulnerable on the other hand is much harder. You can't just tell people the truth when they ask, you have to volunteer information, even when you don't want to. You have to open up completely and let people in. And the biggest difference is this, vulnerability is for the people we love. We can be vulnerable with them because we know they won't hurt us. They won't take advantage of our vulnerability. Because this is in it's purest form what love is all about. It is about letting go and letting in. Without vulnerability there can be no love, without love there can be no vulnerability.

Here is what the dictionary says;

honest |ˈänist|adjectivefree of deceit and untruthfulness; sincere: I haven't been totally honest with you.• morally correct or virtuous: I did the only right and honest thing.• [ attrib. ] fairly earned, esp. through hard work: struggling to make an honest living.• (of an action) blameless or well intentioned even if unsuccessful or misguided: he'd made an honest mistake.• [ attrib. ] simple, unpretentious, and unsophisticated: good honest food with no gimmicks.
vulnerable |ˈvəln(ə)rəbəl|adjectivesusceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm: we were in a vulnerable position |small fish are vulnerable to predators.

Call off the search.

Call off the search, dismiss the dogs.

I have found him; there is no need to look any further.

I have found the one that makes my heart skip a beat. Listens when I am sad or just can't stop talking. Takes my hand and doesn't let go. Who sees me with all my imperfections and still loves me the same.

Not because he wants me to love him, but because he can't help it. Love compels him, like it compels me.

Love beckons us to love with all that we are.

And that is exactly how I will spend my life. Loving recklessly and without thought for the consequence.

I will hope, however, that the consequence will be a long and happy life, with lots of wonderful consequences. I guess all I can do is leave it up to time (not chance) and let it all unfold before my eyes.

Substitutes.

Sometimes we substitute the words we really want to say with something else. We say darn it or shoot. Trying to convince ourselves that people don't know what we are really thinking. Why? We all know what's really going on.

But this doesn't always just happen with negative words. Sometimes it happens with good words too. Maybe we are afraid to tell some one that we think they look fantastic, so we use nice instead. We are afraid to come off too strong, so we tone it down a little.

We tell people we like them, instead of stepping it up and telling them we love them. We say we really care about them or that they are important to us, but we hold off with that little four letter word 'l-o-v-e'. Love. Why? We all know what's really going on.

We try to make sure we don't make ourselves look stupid, what if we said something to someone and they didn't return it. What if we said those three magical words, and the only response we got was a blank stare. So we wait. We wait until we think we are absolutely positive they'll respond the way we want them to. But is that really what love is? Love... always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. (1. Corinthians 13,7)

So if we really love someone, we need to tell them. And we need to tell them often. Not just whenever it seems plausible that they feel the same way. Because that's exactly it, love isn't a feeling. It's a state. A choice. An action, a conscious decision to be there for someone, even when the feelings lack. We love our families, because we do. Not because we feel love for them, but because we have a bond, that goes beyond how we feel. At least that's my definition.

This is what the dictionary says.

Definition of LOVE

1

a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt bylovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>

No matter how we define love. I love love. The end.

Time.

One week can turn your life upside down.

It all happened in a matter of seconds really. Only a few little words and my life was over. Life as I knew it, anyways. At that moment I knew that I had to start living the life I'd imagined. Worth it in every way. Renewed commitment every day. And with all the risk it entails.

entail

verb |enˈtāl| [ with obj. ]1 involve (something) as a necessary or inevitable part or consequence: a situation that entails considerable risks.
Necessary risk. I like the idea of that.commitment |kəˈmitmənt|

noun1 the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.: the company'scommitment to quality.• a pledge or undertaking: I cannot make such a commitment at the moment.2 (usu. commitments) an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action:business commitments | young people delay major commitments including marriage and children.

Words.

Words written on a page. Evenly spaced and intertwined with emotion. One name starts off the letter, another name concludes it.

Valuable. Valued. Value.

This single sheet has been read and reread. And it still holds the same magical power.

Hope. Just a small piece of it, and I will hold on to that, even if I have to cling desperately to it.

No title needed.

I've been wanting to blog for a while, but as it often happens, whenever I have something to write about I don't have the time to write a blog. So now that I have the time I'll try to sum up some of the things I have been thinking and wondering about. This one won't be as much about relationships as most of my previous entries have been, at least I don't intend it to be, but we will see.

I've made a decision, get rid of the fakeness and practice brutal honesty. I want more God in my life, no, I need more God in my life. If I am a Christian, and I am, God calls for all of me, not just the time or parts of my life I can spare or to share him when I feel like sharing him with others. This is a lifelong calling to be serving him at all times.

Sometimes I break down, most of the time I fail this calling, but God loves me the same no matter what. It's called grace and it is unfathomable. I can't lose salvation. Because God won't have it. He equips me to persevere and endure even when I think I can't do it anymore, he picks me up and gives me new strength. Why am I writing this? Because I don't get it. I can't understand it. I need to hear this. Repeated. Often. Maybe if I keep saying or writing this truth, then suddenly it will make sense. Or maybe it won't ever make sense.

I want the following prayer to be my desperate cry out for God,

O God,
I bless thee for the happy moment
when I first saw thy law fulfilled in Christ,
wrath appeased, death destroyed, sin forgiven, my soul saved.
Ever since, Thou has been faithful to me,
daily have I proved the power of Jesus' blood,
daily have I known the strength of the Spirit.
my teacher, director, sanctifier.
I want no other rock to build upon than that I have,
desire no other hope than that of gospel truth,
need no other look than that which gazes on the cross.
Forgive me if I have tried to add anything to the one foundation,
if I have unconsciously relied upon my knowledge,
experience, deeds, and not seen them as filthy rags,
if I have attempted to complete what is perfect in Christ;
May my cry be always Only Jesus! only Jesus!
In him is freedom from condemnation,
fullness in his righteousness,
eternal vitality in his given life,
indissoluble union in fellowship with him;
In him I have all that I can hold;
enlarge me to take in more.
If I backslide,
let me like Peter weep bitterly and return to him;
If I am tempted, and have no wit,
give me strength enough to trust in him;
If I am weak,
may I faint upon his bosom of eternal love;
If in extremity,
let me feel that he can deliver me;
If driven to the verge of hope and to the pit of despair,
grant me grace to fall into his arms.
O God, hear me, do for me more than I ask, think, or dream.

(The Valley of Vision)

I've been wanting to blog lately. It just seemed I didn't know what to blog about. Well, today I do. A have a few friends who blog, and I always enjoy reading what they write. Sometimes they write serious stuff other times it's not as heavy, but most of the time it forces me to stop and think. it just so happens that all of these friends just recently posted a blog entry that relates to something that has been on my mind a lot lately. You may have already guessed it. Relationships. Trust. Significance. Realness. These seem to be the most reoccurring themes in my life. And apparently in other peoples lives too. I suppose I don't really feel like this is a blog I should write, more like one I need to write. So here it goes.

We seek and long and hunger for honesty, closeness, intimacy. Yet we refuse to let those three words define the life we live. Or even the relationships we take part in. We keep it fast paced and fluky, always ready to go where the wind might take us. We often proclaim with big words, how we wish people would be more vulnerable and get rid of the facades, while at the same time building walls around our own heart, keeping it safe. We hide behind I'm-doing -greats and fake smiles, and hope people don't see us for what we really and truly are; needy. That's right. We need something. What is it we need? We need to know we are valued, loved, appreciated, irreplaceable. We want to be someone's everything. But somehow we never try to be everything for someone.

We hide behind keyboards and fancy words, instead of getting together for a cup of real live conversation. The kind that makes you want to laugh and cry all at the same time, because it is so fulfilling and convicting at the same time. The kind of conversation that doesn't run dry, but keeps you up all night, because you know that this is real, right now in this moment, and if you try to continue it tomorrow the moment will have passed and it will be lost forever.

We tell ourselves that life is such a ride, a complicated, yet beautiful mess. And we tell ourselves that we are okay with it, or that we are trying to be. Truth be told, most of the time I don't like the mess. I get through it, yes, but I don't enjoy it.

I have watched the movie 'Love and Other Drugs' twice by now, and there is one line that just grabs on to my heart at squeezes tight until I give in and warm, salty tears flow down my cheeks.

'I'm always gonna need you more than you are gonna need me.'

What is it about this line that I have no immune system against what so ever? I guess it just resonates with every fear I have for my future relationship, being the dependent one. Being the needy one. Being too much or not good enough, or get this, both... At the same time. Scaring him away because I am more crazy than any normal person could ever handle. Or not being there for him when he needs it. Never seeing his weak side, because he doesn't want me to. Not finding truth, but finding comfortability and the easy way out.

This isn't done. But my thoughts won't let me finish...

A Few Steps In The Right Direction...

Today is September 2nd and I have taken a few initiatives towards a better and healthier lifestyle. This involves, more exercise, less chocolate, more God, less waste of time, more vegetables, less junk food, more saving, less spending.

The main points of this new and healthier lifestyle are these:

I have to...

...ride my bike all the way to work, and not take the train part of the way.

...start actually using the gym where I have a membership.

...stop buying chocolate and tell myself I need it.

...in the following year read the entire Bible. 4 chapters a day. Don't postpone till the last possible minute, start the day with scripture.

...take control of my own life, I am the only one who can change the things I am dissatisfied with, start today.

Join me if you want to. I dare you ;-)

What I Am Looking And Longing For. {Thoughts in progress}

Today is Saturday. I don't have to work. I didn't make plans to see anyone. Today is my day. I get to do whatever I want to do, whenever I want to do it.

I woke up at 7.45 am, after going to bed around 4am, and decided it wasn't time to get up quite yet, so I went back to sleep for a couple of hours. When I eventually got up around 10, I went to the local bakery, I don't think I've been to a real bakery in years. (Okay, maybe I have, I don't remember it.) But since it's one of my rare days off, I wanted to make it extra special. I even picked up a cup of coffee from the coffee shop. A Vanilla Latte Grande, if you must know.

The sun was shining and it was beautiful out. For once I was by foot, and not on my bike, because I had all the time in the world, really. The beauty of walking is this, you actually notice the things around you. You hear the birds chirping, enjoy the sun shining, see the couples holding hands, the baby in the stroller freaking out about something insignificant.

So as I was walking home, just enjoying the perfect weather and the beautiful concept of being alive, thoughts started to invade my mind, as they often do. I started thinking about what I am looking for in a spouse. I know this is a much talked about subject on my blog, but that's exactly the point, this is in fact my blog, so I get to choose what I write about, right?

So here is the conclusion I have reached; I am looking for someone who will hold my hand, and never let go. Someone who will pick me up when I've fallen down, or better yet; catch me, even before I fall. I good friend of mine, once wrote that when we are looking for a lover, partner, relationship, what we are essentially seeking is shelter. We look for someone who will shelter us, and someone we can provide shelter for.

I want to find that someone who will support me and keep me safe, but also someone who will trust me to be the same for him. I don't want to be the weak one all the time. We both need to be able to be the strong or the weak one at different times. Seems almost impossible. We cling desperately to our own strength, only trust ourselves with our hurt and insufficiency, disappointment and heartbreak. Because who would ever be able to love the ugly, whining, self-loathing little girl who hides in the corner of my mind? No one, I tell myself. So I hide her deeper. Fill my life with half-smiles and empty laughter. Bury myself in work, social activities and other projects. Too busy to be looking, or even to be found. Stay safe, guard my heart, keep people at bay. Too picky? Perhaps. One thing I know for a fact, it's not just a matter of finding that perfect person, it's a matter of being that perfect person for someone else, not because you want them to love you, but because you can't help but love them, even when they aren't perfect.

Oh, and I want to spend saturdays in a coffee shop, with him. Just sitting there sipping our coffee, reading a book, or a newspaper. Crocheting, cross stitching. Looking up to meet the eyes of my beloved, smiling, stuck in a place where words fall short.

Thoughts From A Bike Ride... or A Day Without Music.

I usually always have music playing. Whether it be on my stereo, my computer, ipod or even just in my head. There is always something playing. But not today.

Tonight I was hanging out with a friend of mine, that I've known for a long time (you better hold on to something sturdy) it will be 10 years in just a few days since the first time we met each other. And she is one of my favorites. That isn't what this is about. But she really is.

What I really want to talk about is the bike ride. But before I can tell you about that, I have to start somewhere else; this morning, when I left home. I live on the second floor, so I went down the stairs, down to my bike to go to work, just to realize I had forgotten my earphones. I didn't want to bother going back for them, so I left them behind. Not yet realizing how the day was going to unfold.

I got to work early, so I had time to do my hair there, instead of doing it before the bike ride, which would have been absolute ludicrous, especially on a hot day like today.

The day went by like normal. Tagging, pricing, helping out costumer etc. No music.

Then I went to my friends house, still no music. We had dinner and talked for a few hours and I left to go home kinda early, because I am getting up early tomorrow. The bike ride from her place to mine is probably 25-30 mins, and usually I would have preferred some music. But tonight I did just fine without it. The lack of sound in my head, left me with my thoughts, feelings and frustrations. Which is always a good combination. A blog entry was born.

As I was going through the city of Copenhagen, I started wondering, as I often do when left to my own thoughts, about life, relationships and what the point of it all is.

I started to think about myself. Who am I? What do I have to offer? Lately I've been looking in to my finances quite a bit, trying to figure out, where I can save money, and try to make my financial situation look a little bit brighter. The truth is this; I am terrible with money.

Another thing I am terrible with is food. Don't get me wrong I am awesome at making it, and eating it, but I'm not so very good at stopping. I eat too much, I don't exercise enough, and I could probably bear to loose 20 pounds. It seems like the more I tell myself I don't need the extra cookie, the more I want it. Same thing for anything I buy, the more I tell myself I can't afford to buy that scarf, the more I need it. I guess you could call it an obsession. And I'm sick of it. I don't want to be ruled and controlled by my own bad judgement. I want to be able to make a decision and stick to It. Even if that means passing, when the cake makes it's way around the table. Even if it means, having to give up on buying that really cool and super necessary glow in the dark water bottle, that would complete my life.

Here's to keeping promises, saving where saving is possible and leaving that last piece of cake on the plate.(
You probably don't need it.)

Cowards.

That's what we are.

Friday night I went out with a new friend of mine. I had a latte and a strawberry daiquiri. I left the café/bar around 1 am, to go home. Going home I passed by a whole lot of intoxicated people, just dangling around the streets. Yes, I may have judged a little bit. So I decided I was gonna go home and write a long blog entry about how sad our generation is. I was going to write about the two teenage girls I saw at the metro station, they were changing out of their hoodies into something that resembled a top more than it did a dress, but they wore them as dresses. They were both showing way more skin than I would ever be comfortable with, smoking cigarettes and their eyes had kind of a glazed over stare too them; they had been drinking.

I was going to write about how sad it is, that young teenage girls feel the need to expose themselves in that way, in order to get the attention they so long for. I was going to write something about the lost generation. About my inability to understand the reasoning behind it.

Then today I helped out at church. There was this event. An outreach to the community if you will. A group of people went out on the streets to talk to people and invite them to come to dinner and worship. Myself? I was in the kitchen cooking the food with 3 other ladies (by ladies I mean young women, they are all younger than me.) I didn't really know what to expect from this evening, and as the people from the street started filling in, I didn't know what to do with myself. They were mainly alcoholics, homeless people, junkies or in other ways the lower social class.

I see this demographic all the time, and what do I do? I cast judgement on them. I automatically assume that they are bad people, that they only care about themselves. As it turns out, this wasn't the truth. Not even remotely close.

A lot of them only stayed for the food, which is totally fine, but a bunch of them stayed to worship with us too. Towards the end of the service we were having communion. Everyone made the trip up the 3 steps to receive communion, without even blinking. And as I was kneeling by the alter, one of the drunk women came up to the ushers that were handing out communion, 'Excuse me', she whispered loudly, 'My friend in the wheelchair wants communion too, but he can't come up here because of the steps, can you please go down to him?' the ushers answered politely, that of course they would, and she replied with a big smile and gratitude saturating every word 'Thank you, thank you so much.' I can't tell you why, but as I was kneeling there by the alter, I was deeply touched by her. Which brings me to my next point, we are cowards. We care way too much about our appearance and making us selves look good, that we don't look to the best interest of our neighbor.

It was such a joy to be worshipping with these people that just didn't care. They weren't too worried about how they looked to dance around, or sing their lounges out or ask for communion for a friend. I liked that.

What can I take with me from this? I need to care less about how I look and more about other people. I need to be less absorbed in myself and more absorbed in God. Constantly learning, growing and exploring my relationship with him. Desperately seeking God, with an eagerness that isn't stopped by self image, or worries about pit stains (yes, this is a real concern of mine, sometimes when I am about to raise my hands in worship.)

I want to completely and wholly give up my life, so God can take over. Yup, there you have it; Less me, more God.

May 27th

Blogging is hard, I'm not very good at doing it consistently. Next month I have a new challenge; Finish a project a day. It shall be most interesting. I will also have a real blog entry soon, saturated with thoughts and feelings, I'm thinking probably tomorrow. Enjoy!

Vacation.

Destination: Budapest, Hungary.

Duration: 3 nights.

Purpose: Relax, explore and enjoy some time off.

Expectations: No obligations, no requirements, only good times and hopefully sunshine.

Traveltime: 6 hours 35 minutes.

Time to departure: 57 minutes.

Level of readiness: 79%

Family.

It is one of my favorite things. In the world. And there is an owl hooting outside my window.