I have tried everything I could to keep myself safe from it. I built walls around my heart, and made sure not to let anyone in too far. But the problem with that is, it doesn't work. If you want to experience love, you simply must let people into your heart, and I do want that. I have wanted that and I still do. The hardest thing for me is believing that someone will actually love me for me. With all that I am and all that I fail to be. So I try to take it slow, one step at a time, only letting them see part of me and part of who I am. Struggling with a constant fear, am I too much or maybe not quite enough? But like I said. It doesn't work. People say that love is blind. And I think that is true. I tend to fall head over heals, forgetting to think in the process and get lost in the beautiful mess of emotions. I am an emotional whore. I fall too quickly, and I let go of all my rules and ideals, all the guidelines it set for myself, to keep my heart safe. I give out my emotions, without thinking about the consequence. I feel too much, and I don't think enough.
And now to the happy ending of this blog. You know what, I'll get back to you on that one, in a few years when I am happily married and have actually found the guy that can and will love me, not because of me but in spite of me. Not because he is blinded by love, but because he can see through all of the insecurity and pretense. See who I really am, even when I am trying to be better. Someone who will look at me and see the woman God created me to be and help be strive to be her. Someone who will lift me up when I am feeling down and help me let go of my anger towards myself, the world or anything that might upset me. That one guy that looks at me with all my flaws and sees perfection. Not because I am perfect, but because he chooses to love me even when I am not.
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