He is jealous for me

...loves like a hurricane, I am tree bending beneath the weight of his love and mercy, when all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me.

Oh...

How he loves us

We are his portion and he is our prize, drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes, if his grace is an ocean we're all sinking.

And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest, and I don't have time to maintain these regrets, when I think about the way....

He loves us!

Getting Older

I am 23 years old, and I have a patch of gray.

By patch I really mean more like 6-8 strands of gray hair all located within the same area, approximately the size of a lifesaver mint. Which really isn't a big percentage of all the hair I have on my head. I don't know the exact amount, you would have to ask God about the answer for that one (read through Psalms, you'll see what I mean).

When I first found out that I had a gray hair, I tweezed it. I was 21 and terrified. Who starts graying at 21? Well, apparently I do. When I found the second gray hair, I tweezed that one too. And the next one. And the next one. Then I talked to my mom about it (who by the way is pretty gray herself) and I told her that I had been using tweezers to get rid of them, her response? Well it went a little something like this,

Don't pluck them, you'll go bald.

Thank you?

I think that was the response I came up with.

Obviously, my mom meant that if I kept plucking away, there would come a day when I would actually be bald, because ALL my hairs had turned gray and I had just been plucking away. Let's just stop right there, before the mental images of bald me get to disturbing.

So today, about 2 years and 10-15 gray strands of hair later, I have come to the conclusion that I don't actually mind the few grays I still have. So what if I'm only 23, and have a patch of gray? Doesn't that just give me character?

I wise woman (my sister) once said the following,

Don't think of them as your grays, but as your wisdom.

And I think I'm gonna go with her on that one. Why would I want to get down on my self for getting older? It's inevitable. I can't actually stop myself from aging, and I don't really think I want to either. As I get older, I learn so many new things about life. As I get older, I discover that getting older really isn't that bad. And as I get older, I realize that it's okay to be different, even if that means going gray at the age of 23.

I think I'd look good all dressed in white

The title really says it all.

Fitting Rooms

I hate them, it's that simple.

Fall

This was actually written back in november 2008, but back then I only wrote in danish, so I did a little bit of translation. And here it is...

Fall… The leaves are falling slowly but surely to the ground! Very determined – ‘We want to come down, we want to get away, we are ready for winter to come, ready for the cold and hopefully also snow’. It is beautiful and it happens so fast. The sun sets earlier and earlier, and mittens and scarves that used to be a possibility is now a necessity. Wool socks are suddenly a blessing, and even the people who used cuss at tea and fireplaces, suddenly start to seek them out more and more. Christmas is getting closer too, but hush, we can’t talk about that for at least another few weeks, God forbid that we whip out the Christmas spirit too early, we might just run out of it before Christmas actually gets here.

Sighs…

But the good kind of sighs, the kind where you breathe in through your nose and then quickly let go, just to realize that you are exactly where you want to be – mentally, physically and spiritually. And then again, I guess there is always room for improvement. But nevertheless, am I left with a feeling of peace, I am ready for the snow and the cold, I just hope I will remember to bring my mittens.

Doors

Door #1

I fell like I am standing in front of thousands of doors, just waiting to be opened. Each one of them represent an opportunity that I can take, or a direction I can choose to go. If I choose to open door number 1, it would probably reveal a wonderful room. Maybe even a kitchen, where I could cook all kinds of foods for the people I love. A place for great conversations and discussions to take place. A place for life to be lived, a place to love and be loved.

Door # 2

I could choose door number two and it might reveal a completely different room. It might be a living room, fully furnished with soft comfy couches, beautiful paintings on the walls and a rocking chair in one corner. A place to relax and have fun. A place to feel at ease no matter what the world on the outside looks like.

Door #3

Or I could pick door #3. Behind this door I might find a bedroom, it might have a huge bed and a build in closet, that could fit more clothes than I could even dream of ever owning. It would be a place to rest, but obviously also a place for fun. A place of great intimacy and of great responsibility.

All three of them would be great rooms. They all have different things to offer and I would love each one of them equally. I have to make a choice.

But how?

Am I even confident enough to make that choice?

If not, I'll just be stuck outside the doors, waiting.

The exact same spot as I am in right now.

An Open Ending

Sometimes I just need to listen to my music.

An Open Ending by Tina Dickow

Tell mamma, you'll be ok
Tell her - stay calm,
Tell daddy, it's much too late
To twist your arm
It's time to go and find something that's yours that no one can steal away
It's time to open the doors to your secret place

There's no answer as big as the question
There's no victory as big as the lesson
You go on and you see where your detours will take you to

There's no power like understanding
There's no beginning like an open ending
You hold on you don't stop to
Believe if you follow through you will learn what is good for you
Someday soon, you will know what is best for you

Tell mamma, it'll be alright
Tell her - have faith
It's time go on and find something that lasts
That no one can lose or break
It's time to own up to the task and go make your own mistakes

There's no answer as big as the question
There's no victory as big as the lesson
You go on and you see where your detours will take you to

There's no power like understanding
There's no beginning like an open ending
You hold on, you don't stop to believe if you follow through
You will learn what is good for you
Someday soon, you will know what is best for you

And then life smacked me across the face...

...or did it?

I just really wanted to use that as a title of a blog entry.

It is way past my bed time and I am getting up early tomorrow, my body is aching and wanting to go to sleep, but my mind doesn't want to settle down. A million thoughts are stuck somewhere between my conscious mind and some part of my brain, that I couldn't even find if I tried.

Thoughts about life about love and about marriage?! If you know me, you also know that I shouldn't even really be thinking too much about marriage, because that's not really the next thing in line for me. Maybe finding that someone to marry first would be the logical thing to do. Never the less I find myself thinking about it a lot. Maybe it's the fact that several of my friends have gotten married over the last few years. I don't know why or when it started. But what I do know is this; as I was talking to a friend of mine just the other day she used the phrasing 'If I get married...' and in my head I was going 'Whoa, whoa, whoa - IF?! What do you mean if?' and on the outside I was just smiling and listening to what she was saying. But that is when it hit me; some people never get married. It's just that simple, some people do and some don't. But here is where it get's complicated, I don't want to be one of the ones that don't. I have all these plans for my family, once I have one, and I really don't want them to go to waste.

But as I started thinking about this more, I have to admit that I got a little bit upset. Why I got upset? You might ask yourself this question. Well, here is the deal. I know some pretty fantastic girls/women/ladies (take your pick) who are still single, even though they are in their late twenties or mid forties. And I just don't understand why. But I guess they just haven't found the right one. And this is when I get scared or anxious or whatever one might call it, why should I, who is by no means any better, smarter, funnier, prettier or more interesting than any of them, be able to find the right guy if they can't? What if I am the girl who is gonna end up alone. The eternal babysitter, because I don't have my own kids, and therefore am dying to take care of someone else's kids? Would I be okay with that? Probably not! Don't get me wrong, I would love to take care of the kids of my friends and family, but to not have my own, would definitely be disappointing to me.

So why haven't I found the right guy? Well, good question. I'd like to know too. So far I've had very good luck finding the not so right guy, and I've been very busy trying to talk myself into believing that he was just what I was looking for. As it turns out, none of them were. Surprise!

So where am I at right now? On the scale of love and dating, I'd say a little below zero. Because not only am I single and nowhere near not being single (if that makes sense?!) but I'm also at a point in my life where I am scared. I am scared to put myself out there. I'm scared that I'll get hurt. Again. I'm scared that if I fall for someone, he wont love me back. I'm scared that I won't ever find the guy that's right for me.

I strongly believe that God wouldn't have created me with such a strong urge to start a family if I wasn't going to get to start one. But sometimes my doubts get the best of me, and I don't know how to stop that from happening. But I guess for now there's really only one thing I can do. And that is to trust that God will provide for me, wether that be granting me patience or letting the right guy enter my life.

But no matter what, if you do see him, can you please let me know?

PS: As it turns out, the title ended up fitting pretty well! Well what do you know...

Frozen in time...

But what if I don't want to go to sleep? What if I don't want this day to end? Can I just stay awake forever? What if I don't want to loose this feeling? Don't want to go back to the real life? Can I just stay? Stay in this spot in this mood and in this mindset? And who do I ask permission from? I mean, how would I go about getting permission to be frozen in time? With this exact feeling, at this exact time... No one else here, just me and my music. My thoughts and my words. Stuck inside my head, caught somewhere between my mind and my lips. Maybe I'll be able to get it out through my fingertips, typing away on the keys in a faster pace than I was expecting. Who knows? Yeah, who really knows these days?